astareth submitted this photo with the comment “I took this photo myself- I set the self timer and scrambled into this ancient cherry tree to make the grimmest pose I could muster within 4 seconds.”

Oh my goth, how awesome is that tree? All gnarled and mossy and massive with the added bonus of delicious cherries.  Hmm, do trees that old still produce fruit? Do trees get menopause? Do trees have mid-life crises and attempt to attract younger, more nubile goths to ascend their trunks?  FILTHY.

Bonus points to the goth for a very grim self portrait, especially given the limited time frame.  They’re nice and high in the tree and there’s no smiling.  It’s daylight but I think it would be difficult to capture the awesomeness of this tree at night time without a significant lighting rig. 

4.9 out of 5 - Happy are the bystanders watching goths run from their cameras and up trees to pull grim poses in 4 seconds.

clrrryfaery submitted this photo with the comment “went tree climbing with my cat Spyder~”

Well played, clrrryfaery.  You’re destined to get bonus points for having a pet in the photo, especially a cat called ‘Spyder’.  Pity he/she/it isn’t black, but we can’t have everything. 

I like this goth’s outfit, her height up the tree, and her cat but I’m not so much a fan of the daylight. She’s smiling at the cat rather than the camera and I won’t deduct points for cat-smiling as I’ve noticed many of the gothest goths will smile for cats and dogs but remain stony faced for humans. 

4.5 out of 5 - Smiling at animals (alive or dead) is the only acceptable form of smiling for goths.

Charlie Muchos submitted this photo with no comment.

I’m not going to lie, I know this guy - this is one of the fabled SportsGoths™ who’s very tanned because he spends all day outdoors without sun protection being the only goth foreman in history. He just moved interstate without saying goodbye to his friends.  THANKS, DUDE! *sob*

He’s not smiling but he could have gothed up a bit more for the photo; even I have all-black bushwalking clothes. However, he’s up a very impressive dead tree and what could be more goth than a dead tree?  He is very bloody high so bonus points there.  It’s daylight but I’m guessing this is a self-portrait so bonus points for effort and nepotism. 

4 out of 5 - You’re going to have to take my word for it that this guy is a goth.  He’s probably going to have to take my word for it too.  Lots of words for it, probably.

Sharon submitted this photo with the comment “I knew I had this somewhere… 2001, I believe. More goths, same tree (I think… It was a while ago!)”.

Another in the netgoth series! I love to see this tree through years/seasons.  This photo is a bit different to the others because it isn’t posed and the goths appear be relaxed in their natural habitat.   It must be Summer or these goths are just too awesome for warm clothes. 

What, exactly, is going on in the tree? Some sort teddy bear party?  The supporting cast are an interesting bunch.  The girl in the medieval clothing is conspicuous. Was she skipping through the forest and happened upon this group of goths and just stood and stared in confusion?  ‘My, what merry happenstance! A gaggle of black-wearers. How shall I engage such fine people in conversation? I know, I’ll compliment them on their choice of footwear’.

4.5 out of 5 - This must be some kind of sacred netgoth tree.

gloryholebaby submitted this photo with the comment “This is the world famous blog, pugs up trees, yes?” 

Why, yes, this is the world famous blog ‘pugs up trees’.  You will know it because of the vast array of one pug photo that has been posted :-\  At least your pug is black.  Tip for those who think that getting a pug is a great idea: if you are a goth GET A BLACK ONE.  Pug shed a lot.  So much so that the vet told me once that I really should have gotten a black pug and I should stop wearing black (the cheek! and to think I restrained myself from giving HIM fashion advice).  So, on vet’s orders, if I get another bossy snot-machine it will be black and I will name it something awesome like Dame Judi Stench or Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

This pug is not as high up the tree as Fifi was, but it’s up a nice gnarled tree. It’s looking wistfully off into the distance; dreaming of liver treats and friendly goths to pat it.

2 out of 5 - If I don’t post this then Fifi will kill me in the night, as has been foretold.  It’s a pugs-owned-by-goths conspiracy.

prettylikebleeding submitted this photo with the comment:

Dear Goths Up Trees, This is me, a Goth, up a tree. I really love your Tumblr, so as a tribute to your amazing work I had a drink and climbed up a tree (with my ever so supportive bf, complete with the flu, behind the camera) especially for you :) I hope I have ticked all the boxes: it is night time and I am about 13ft from the ground, I’m not smiling and to shield me from any potential “moon burn” I even have my parasol. :F Thanks for making each day that little bit more entertaining :F

I have to give this one a 5, now don’t I? Look at this. JUST LOOK AT IT. How is she not falling out of that tree?  13ft (3.9m) off the ground!  It’s taken at night and there’s no smiling; all done while conquering wondrous feats of style and balance.  She even has a parasol to avoid moonburn, FFS. Good work to the flu-sodden b/f for capturing this moment.

5 out of 5 - No, thank you.

zombiestardust submitted this photo with the comment “I submitted a photo a couple of months ago (us up a tree at school) but couldn’t resist sending you this one too - the same friend and I up a tree at a party in the woods. Do we get extra points for being able to climb trees while drunk?”

Of course you get extra points for being able to climb trees drunk!  To start with, I’m impressed by your ability to keep a straight drunk-face, and risking life and limb (get it, get it) to climb high up trees for this worthy cause definitely entitles you to bonus points. GO YOU. 

Unfortunately, the goth on the left appears to be attempting to kick the goth on the right out of the tree.  Or was it more a “can I just rest my foot here on your hip?” situation that seemed like a good idea at the drunken time? Either way, it’s unusual and I like it.  It’s night time, no drunken smiles, high up the tree.  GOOD.

5 out of 5 - If you can keep a straight face while drunk and climb high up a tree without injuring yourself, then you should probably kick your friend out of the tree.

Mackenzie Rainbow submitted this photo with the expansive comment:

“Here we have an elusive nocturnal tree goth, in tree camouflaging stockings, of course. They were unsure that I was worthy of their presence, but I lured them into a more visible perch via scotch on a stick. Single malt, because this is a classy up tree goth. And by classy, I mean they prefer a breakfast of scotch and bacon at 9pm. This tree lives in my backyard and is quite tall. I’m hoping that the nice booze will encourage this goth not to throw anything at unsuspecting people for a bit.”

Scotch on a stick? Breakfast at 9pm of scotch and bacon?  A goth after my own heart!  I like the little back story there.  It explains why this goth looks like she was caught unawares and didn’t have time to adjust her skirt.  She looks like she may be about to yell obscenities at the photographer, too.

It’s night time, she’s not smiling and apparently this tree is quite high.  Well done.  I’m sure the goth herself would have appreciated the opportunity for a more flattering pose but I suppose you’ve got to take the photos where you can get them.

4.85 out of 5 - Fashion yourself a scotch receptacle on a stick to lure goths out of their trees

blacktinged submitted this photo with the comment “Just me climbing a tree on Easter.”

Surfer dude from the 90s: “Yo, what did you do for Easter?”
Blacktinged: “Dressed up in my gothest finery and hopped up a tree.”
Surfer dude: “Sweet, dude, how did you go?”
Blacktinged: “I nailed it. I wore my bazillion hole docs over my black jeans with my belt on backwards, my batty hoodie, my Jack Skellington beanie, that sweet ankh my Mum gave me for Christmas and my coffin bag!”
Surfer dude: “Whoa, dude, you really put on all of your goth stuff!”
Blackginged: “I know. I looked so awesome that I smiled in the photo, though”.
Surfer dude: “Bummer, dude.  Were you high up the tree?”
Blackginge: “Sorta, not really.  It was day time too.”
Surfer dude: “I’m sure your enthusiasm will be evident and therefore you will get a decent score”.

3.9 out of 5 - Don’t let your enthusiasm outshine your gothness.

Savannah submitted this photo with the comment “My face is naturally in a smile, so I’m sorry but this is my frowny face. Not a very good goth face, but it can’t be helped.”

Yes, my friend, you need to work on your sneer. If you want to practice, just talk to jocks at school and then the sneer will come naturally.  That’s how mine developed and I possess a fine sneer.  A sneer worthy of SONGS, I tell you.

Apart from her smiley face (that she’s going to have to work on if she wants to be an uber goth some day), she’s a decent height up the tree but it is sunny. I am doubting her commitment to being a goth in general but she’s only young. I’m actively ignoring the goggles.

3.8 out of 5 - Being a good goth up a tree requires commitment and practice, young lady, now GO AND TALK TO A JOCK.