fluxmorz submitted these photos with the comment “Here is my sister and 3 friends at my friend’s wedding. [The first photo has] a hidden goth at the top.  [The second photo is of] my sister with a boyfriend growing from her head. He’s not aware he is a growth. There were platform shoes that don’t have heels (kinda like hooves, really) but in order to capture the disgusting head-growth, they got left out.”

YES. Goth wedding photos up trees!  These have it all: spectacular posing particularly from the bride, gorgeous goth wedding attire, excessive tree height by the “disgusting head-growth” *ahem*, minimal smiling (the bridesmaid is smiling in the first photo but she’s made up for it in the second).  Above all, I appreciate that they have risked ruining their wedding clothes to climb up and have these photos taken on their day of days!  It’s a pity it’s daylight but I suppose night wedding shots might be a bit much to ask.

4.9 out of 5 - I now pronounce you goth and tree.

Snarf Elin Lind from Barcelona submitted this photo and two others with the comment “Hi, I hope you will like our photos from a nightly tree climbing excursion.”

Looking at all three photos submitted, you tell that these ladies whole-heartedly embraced their up-tree experience.  They were certainly flinging their skirts around with gay abandon.  I suspect that they may have dressed up for the occasion, but they’ve done well with their monochromatic colour palette, paled up faces and some nice stompy boots.  

The lady in the primary photo has done well with extreme tree height and she’s showing us a bit o’ leg.   She’s not smiling and it’s night time.  I have qualms about the limited black in the outfit, but it’s monochromatic and they seem like they’ve had a jolly good, skirt swishing time, so I’m going to ignore it as best I can.

4.95 out of 5 - I feel like I’m missing something here.

Thom Capetanelis submitted this photo with the comment “Love the page, hope our picture makes the grade. Bonus: this was taken in a cemetery”.

Nicely done, boys.  Let’s use the scorecard method of analysis (using a ‘†’ symbol as a check-mark because it’s more goff and I can’t find a tick symbol):

1. Looking surly - †
2. High up a tree - †
3. Gothed up - †
4. Minimal daylight  - FAIL *tsk tsk*
5. Bonus points - † (wintry skeletal trees, double goth action, cemetery [reported but no evidence shown], boots, excellent hair on one, crotch displaying on one, page love)

4.8 out of 5 -  ††††  = a fence

yourforeverdeadinmyeyes submitted this photo with the comment “Emily here, this is my lovely partner Jade”

He is lovely, Emily, but is he up a tree?  He’s definitely near the tree and there seems to be a headstone in the background for bonus cemetery points, but I can hardly allocate height points when I suspect his two feet are on the cold, hard ground.  He’s not smiling, thank the almighty bob, but he has dappled light on his skin.  I hope he’s wearing some 30+.  Bonus points for guyliner, cemetery and pretty hair.

2.95 out of 5 - I love it AND hate it when boys have prettier hair than I do.

Inquisitor submitted this photo with the comment “Here you see my friend Porange. I was taking perfectly sensible photos of her one night, when a bystander said “Goths up trees!” I, knowing little of the ways of the world, replied “That’s a thing?” Next I knew, we were bound for pastures arboreal… Enjoy.”

To the helpful bystander who made this photo happen, I salute you.  This is an excellent night shot of a paled up lady bedecked in black and white.  Our goth is high up the tree and she’s not smiling.  She looks comfortable in her up-tree pose as if she’s waiting for something. Bonus points for perfect face angling.

5 out of 5 -  If you’re going to yell “goths up trees” at goths, please make sure:
a) that the people you’re yelling at are actually goths (and not metallers or hardcore/scene/emo/punk kids or individuals who just love wearing black and don’t identify with any subculture thankyouverymuch),
b) that they’re having a photoshoot near a tree, and
c) you’re prepared for disdainful looks and eye-rolling if they’re not in a frisky mood.

Oil Spleen submitted this photo and one other with the comment “My nieces Matilda and Amelie came to see my band Pink Narcissus at Meadowlands Festival and after the gig we climbed this tree. I thought we all look particularly moody in this picture.”

It’s good to see a goth educating his younger relatives about the age old up-tree tradition.  It’s one of the important aspect of ‘turning’ younger relatives to the dark side when their brains are pliable in the hope that they take up the panne velvet mantle of gothness in your family. 

The first photo is the one I’m going to score, even if the linked one is clearer.  There’s no smiling in the goth or the goths-in-training.  They’re high up the tree.  It’s daylight but they’re in the shade. There seems to be a goth-child apparition on the right for added spookiness.

4.3 out of 5 - Bonus points for educating the youngins in the ways of music festivals and gothness.

Jackie submitted this photo with the comment “Two of my very good friends in a tree at our local cemetery in Humboldt county, forgive the smiles, thc tends to do that to you..”

If the gothic subculture is your subculture of choice, friend, then I would consider trying alternative ways of achieving an altered state of consciousness that do not cause you to do something unfortunate like smile. THC is clearly not helping your uberness.

Bonus points for the cemetery location. I like the resourcefulness shown by perching on the trunk at a medium height rather than the branches of the tree. I can’t fully see what’s going on with the outfit but it looks warm and practical. Not sure what the supporting cast member is doing lurking in the corner but he/she/it is adding some eeriness to the shot.

4 out of 5 - You need to consider your gothness in all states of consciousness.

Laura submitted this photo with the comment “Frolicking. :) Full post here.”

Good work, Laura; nicely frolicked.  Initially I read the comment as “frog licking”, which I thought was slightly gross for all concerned but also a potential explanation for the amused look on the goth’s face.   And then I came across this article about a scientist who licks frogs because she loves them.  There’s no mention of whether the frogs appreciate being licked, which I think is an oversight by the National Geographic in an otherwise completely normal article (why do they talk about her hair and height?!)

Sorry, I always get side-tracked by frogs.  This goth is looking relaxed and ready to frolic.  She’s in the shade and she’s a low-medium height up the tree.  Her facial expression is a bit too excited and there’s a lot of pink in her outfit but let’s pretend she’s been licking frogs, which would excuse these things.  Cute hat.

3.7 out of 5 - Lick a psychoactive frog and watch your fridge turn into a prandsome hince.

lovesambina submitted this photo with the comment “G. O. Tree. H.”

The submitter is deliberately tempting me with an acronym to decipher to distract me from the obvious fact that she’s just leaning on a tree and is not actually up it.  It is, however, a lovely picture and she reminds me of a gelfling from the Dark Crystal, so bonus points there.  I love me a blonde goth and I like her make-up but I am questioning her choice of jacket.  She’s not smiling but it’s definitely daylight. 

3 out of 5 - I’m too lazy to be tempted by your acronym.  OK here’s one: Get On Tree, Hellion.  Or, my new username: Grim Obsessed Tree Hater.

nemotheviking submitted this photo with no comment.

Our young gothlings here have gone to the trouble of showing us two aspects of their up-tree escapades: one demonstrating one goth cavorting on a branch with a friendly supporting cast member leaning on the same branch, and the other showing the excellent up-tree height a goth has achieved.  Using my (currently wine-impaired) powers of observation, it looks like there are three separate goths in two separate photos.  DILEMMA.  I suppose I’ll have to judge the submission as a whole.

So, of the up-trees, there’s no real smiling but there’s definite amusement in the left goth.  The right goth is high up the tree and the left goth is medium-high.   They’re out in daylight but it’s not sunny and they’re well covered up.  Bonus points for cute outfits, boots and hair.   The supporting cast member looks surlier than the up-trees, which is disappointing. 

4.7 out of 5 - Please ensure your supporting cast member’s surliness levels are not greater than your up-tree’s

Paul submitted this photo with no comment.

Yes, yes, I know that Paul here isn’t up a tree, but I really do like the effort he has gone to in his submission.  He has made tree-touching sound risqué yet full of health benefits. Great! I secretly love the way he has misspelt ‘strength’ but I suspect that English is his second language, so that’s probably very mean of me.

Our goth is nicely gothed up and is not smiling.  He does not score well for tree height but, against my better judgement, I’m giving him points for at least having his hat up the tree.  He’s not smiling, there’s sunlight in his hair but it looks as though the sun is going down.

1.5 out of 5 - Trees give strenght but only if you get up them.

lonelygothgirl submitted this photo with no comment.

Because my neck was getting tired and my colleagues started mistaking me for a stroke victim, I rotated this photo for your viewing pleasure here. 

I very much like this photo despite the neck-pain inducing angle it was taken on.  The backdrop is very picturesque and suitably cold looking.  The stream looks murky and potentially full of decaying animal carcases.   Our goth isn’t smiling and she’s high up the tree and in the shade.  She’s making excellent use of black lipstick and she’s wearing fetching goth-casual (gothsual) tree-climbing attire.

4.7 out of 5 - I would have given her more points if she hadn’t been so intent on causing me physical pain.

I was looking for a practical and concise page on ‘how to dress like a goth’ to help all those hipsters out there, when I discovered: a) there are no how-to pages out there that fit my requirements that don’t make me want to stab myself in eye repeatedly, and b) this young goth having a nap on a tree (from 2009, so it’s not my fault).

This goth is clearly unconcerned about the potential for painful armpit sunburn as we can see her armpit is definitely in the sun.  The tree appears to be dead and fallen but it’s up off the ground, so our goth is a reasonable height up the tree.  She’s not smiling and she’s doing the best ‘I’m so comfortable in this very awkward position that I fell asleep, how very seductive of me’ look that I’ve seen in a long time.  

4.6 out of 5 - Keeping your ‘pits au naturale will reduce the potential for sunburn while you’re napping up trees.

ceironellein submitted this photo with the comment “A rather old picture of me, but a good one none-the-less. As a pagan, I am quite fond of trees. Shortly after this photo was taken, it started to rain, which I proceeded to dance in.”

Those crazy pagan kids.  Always climbing trees, dancing in the rain and calling to the watch towers of the North.  My friend and I decided that we were pagans when we were 15, which may or may not have coincided with the release of the movie The Craft, our investigation into full time Black Wearing™ and our acceptance of Trent Reznor as our one true saviour.  Clearly I lack commitment because I gave up on the pagan thing after I discovered vodka and started invoking that spirit instead.

This goth pagan lady is high up the tree and it’s a dreary day.  She’s not smiling and she looks to be MBR (mid branch reach).  Bonus points for: wearing sunglasses and a hat on a gloomy day, boots, and what I’m choosing to see as a cape (but is probably just a sleeveless vest).

4.9 out of 5 - Invoke the spirit of your choice (absinthe is good)

Daintynymph submitted this photo with the comment “I saw a climbable tree while on a nature walk with my mom, so I had to at least attempt a “goth in a tree” picture. Perhaps it’s a bit too casual to qualify, but I feel that the lack of color and sunglasses on a cloudy day count for something. I also got chigger bites all over my legs for daring to leave the path in pursuit of a tree picture, so there’s some misery and woe for you.”

At this point, friend, I’ll take what goths I can get as I’m running low on goths in my inbox (hipsters, however, I have heaps of those - then again, who doesn’t?)  I have created an in-depth guide for non-goths who want me to post photos of them up trees on this blog: 1) take off your regular clothes,  2) put on goth clothes, 3) climb a tree.

This goth has admitted she’s in goth-casual clothes but her heartfelt tale of misery and woe really struck a chord with me as I too am afflicted by bites on my leg from an evil beast (well, a mosquito).  She’s a decent height up the tree, she’s looking relaxed despite the chigger infestation, it’s a cloudy day and she’s not smiling.

4 out of 5 - I just looked up chiggers.  Terrifying.