Lu Rod submitted this photo and several others with the comment “I love treeclimbing!”
Here we have a lovely gothy up-tree photo featuring a charming goth in a top-hat with nearly full skin coverage, as you can see in this helpful pre-climb photo he also submitted. He’s well dressed, high in the tree and he’s not smiling, so points there. There’s a minor deduction for the daylight, although 98% of his skin is covered (does his face count for 2%?)
I’m not sure if I should add or subtract points for the quantity of photos he gave me to choose from because I had difficulty deciding and I don’t like it when I people make things more difficult for me. He is clearly passionate about trees, though, so I can’t be annoyed at him for long.
4.9 out of 5 - I hope this guy has tree climbing listed as a skill on his résumé.
MistressGothburger666 submitted this photo with the comment “8 Goths up a tree with 1 pug at night time. In your face”.
There you have it, friends, 8 goths up a tree at night time with 1 pug supporting cast member in our collective faces. None of the goths are smiling and two of them are too reclusive to even face the camera. There seems to be a bit of skin showing there but no one’s ever been tanned by moonlight as far as I know. Bonus points for the New Rocks, supporting pug, the sheer number of goths and the creative use of mobile phones for lighting purposes. I imagine a fair bit of phone battery was expended for this shot but I think it’s worth it. I just hope they had some battery left to tweet about how they have run out of battery from posing up trees. Excellent job, goths. I wish to be friends with the likes of you.
5 out of 5 - 8 goths up one tree + 1 pug IN OUR FACES.
Cinder submitted this photo with the comment “It’s so hard to find a good tree in Arizona. After all I don’t see “Goth’s up Cactus” is that even possible? Golden Valley, Arizona. Just outside Kingman.”
Goths up Cacti would definitely be attractive for the masochists amongst us and I have evidence that it is possible. For your consideration I present these dudes who managed to climb up a cactus while a helpful supporting cast member held off irritated officials who don’t seem to appreciate it when you climb protected species. Obviously, the guys up the cactus look more like hipsters searching for local boutique beer joint than goths, but we don’t really care about them, do we? No.
Our goth here has found herself a tree in a car park, which is not ideal but she’s working with the tree she’s been given. She’s nicely covered up from the sun’s rays, she’s a medium height up the tree, and she’s definitely not smiling. Bonus points for tree climbing against the odds.
4.6 out of 5 - If someone can find a cactus that will support their weight and that isn’t a protected species then they should get up it ASAP or just wrap it in a blanket and give it a hug
Paisley Wayward submitted this photo with no comment.
Here we have a goth with hippie tendencies (gippy? hoth? hipoth?) up a tree. She’s peering at the sky with a look of disdain, which is the way all goths should observe the sun, especially when one has tattoos because one does not want one’s tattoos to fade!
Our goth is not smiling and she’s mostly in the shade despite the daylight. I am unable to see her feet to get an accurate impression of her tree height, but I think I can deduce from her effort in the other areas that she is a low/medium height up the tree (however, I’m in the midst of a chocolate stupor so my judgement may be impaired). Bonus points for the excellent dreadies and pretty tattoos.
4 out of 5 - Happy zombie-alcohol-chocolate holiday to me. Oh, alright… and to you too, you needy bastards.
katmisfortune submitted this photo and one other with the comment
"This is me, up a tree in City Park. Please excuse the wretched sunlight, as it’s harder to get as far up in the darkness, we had to take the picture nearing sundown. I managed to stay in complete shade, thank goodness. (The [extra] picture is for reference as to how far up I had gotten into the tree…. Why they’re smiling, I haven’t a clue… Maybe it’s the adorable baby’s infectious smile)"
I appreciate it when goths go to the trouble to send me a context photo to ensure I don’t mark them low for tree height. They don’t just expect that I will trust them when they tell me things, which is good because I ain’t no fool; I just scored 100% on the Introduction to Work Health & Safety course that I was forced to complete at work. It had really difficult questions like “Why shouldn’t you drink alcohol at work?” and “Is it inappropriate to hang pictures of naked people in your cubicle?” That’s right, kids, contrary to what you might think with all the tree climbing shenanigans and clothing that impedes movement, goths can be workplace safety geniuses too.
It’s possible that this goth is also a work health and safety genius; she is mostly out of the sun and looks safe and secure high up her impressive tree. She’s not smiling and has an excellent haircut and casual goth outfit.
4.8 out of 5 - Don’t worry, I’m not going to start forcing goths to wear crash helmets up trees unless you can find me a stylish black one that doesn’t mess up my hair or makeup and looks fetching with a corset.
Lee submitted this photo with the comment “This is my Goth friend Dan climbing a tree after a couple beverages. This was the first time he’d smiled in years, I guess climbing trees had that sort of effect on Goths”
As a fellow drunken goth, I am fully aware of the difficulty in maintaining a straight face when attempting inebriated up-treeness. However, some uber goths manage it. “How?” I hear you ask. Sometimes it’s practice, sometimes their facial muscles have atrophied, sometimes it’s the PVC gently tugging at a single pube, but mostly it’s just sheer force of uberness that gets them through. This guy sadly isn’t afflicted by uberness.
It’s night time and he’s clearly on the move between pubs. I’m getting a more ‘hipster who wears black’ feel to his outfit instead of outright gothness, so points deducted there. He’s hanging at a low height and he’s smiling like there’s no goth reputation to uphold tomorrow.
2.4 out of 5 - I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time this guy has smiled in years. He looks like a habitual smiler.
siriku submitted this photo with the comment “Taken by a friend in a forest near Southampton. Hope you like!”
I like, friend, I like. It’s making me wish I still smoked so I could get in on the up-tree smoking action. Sitting up a tree with an e-cig doesn’t really look as tough or mysterious, sadly.
Our goth here should be in an ad for New Rocks because his are displayed here to their full potential (his boots, for the disgraceful non-goth readers who don’t know their Demonias from their New Rocks). He’s looking pretty darn nonchalant with is coat draping down the tree and his relaxed pose. It’s daylight but he’s in the shade. He’s not smiling and he’s high up the tree. Top job.
4.8 out of 5 - This photo inspires me to smoke and to grow a beard. Sadly, my gender prevents the beard growing bit. Curse you, gender!
KLynn Horseman submitted this photo and two others with no comment.
This goth has chosen bizarre surroundings for her up-tree experience. It all looks a bit too nice with the manicured bushes and lawn. I can imagine that there’s a nice old lady wearing pearls and a pale pink twin-set just out of shot. Is our goth smiling because she juxtaposed a goffick with my idea of the suburban nightmare? I hope so.
She’s high up the tree and she’s in the shade but it is daylight and she’s smiling. It looks like she has a Misfits t-shirt on and she has cute hair, so bonus points there. Points deducted because of my irrational fear of manicured gardens and car parks.
3.8 out of 5 - Get out! Get out now!
Brydie & Emma submitted this photo with the comment:
"Local Goths spotted clinging to the only nature in sleepwalking distance from their lair in the dead cold heart of Wellington city, New zealand. These two dismal goths rarely seen surfaced in the light of dismay..I mean day, try and do their best to blend in with the tree, but fail miserably as their pale flesh illuninates from the dreaded overpowering fucking sun. But we got you.. you cant hide forever you wicked wicked things."
I think these are the first self-identifying New Zealander goths I’ve received and I’m impressed by their effort (despite the use of a shitty filter on the photo and the blatant bandanna situation). One has cunningly hidden her mouth to disguise any visible evidence of mirth. I appreciate the effortless-looking athletic yet elegant pose of the higher level goth. They’re a decent height up the tree. It’s day time and one is probably smiling but it’s hidden.
4 out of 5 - Good effort from our friends across the Tasman Sea.
OddJoNNY submitted this photo with the comment “Bubbles too!!!”
This is a bloody perky looking goth blowing bubbles up a tree. I suppose it’s pretty difficult to blow bubbles in a sombre manner. I would try myself, for research purposes, but all I have are bacon bubbles for blowing at your dog in the hope that they’ll pull a stupid face. Blowing bacon flavoured bubbles is probably going to make contemplating mortality fairly challenging. I’m willing to give it a go for science.
Our goth here is a good height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade, although it’s clearly day time. Bonus points for the excellent bubbles, the cute socks, sunnies, and the vamp fringe (oh, how I wish I could pull off a decent vamp fringe). Excellent work.
4.85 out of 5 - I just realised that the lyrics to ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles’ are a bit depressing and goffick:
I’m forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.
Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”
This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position. Imitating a sloth is no excuse.
Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time. I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.
4.9 out of 5 - Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week. If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.
Sarah submitted this photo with the comment “Spooky kids work out too.”
I know it may be a shock to some non-goths but many goths work out. Yes, I know, you’ve probably never seen a goth on the squat rack at your local gym but we often choose different workout situations such as a few laps of the cemetery at dusk or, in my case, at a gym in a hospital conveniently placed next to the morgue.
This goth has an appropriately dark and stripey workout outfit on so bonus points there. However, I know you can buy black gym shoes so I question her dedication to being a true Sportsgoth™. At least her shoes aren’t white or fluro. She’s a good height up the tree and she looks relaxed after a hard gravestone hurdling session. She’s not smiling and she’s in a graveyard at dusk.
4.85 out of 5 - I’m feeling motivated for some Sportsgoth™ action at my gym/morgue right now.
Dorylini submitted this photo with the comment “it was raining, so we went to the graveyard, of course.”
My faith in the gothic subculture is being restored one goth up a tree (in a graveyard at night) at a time. This goth is showing particular dedication by enduring the elements to climb her tree (although apparently she chose the graveyard because it was raining, so is it dedication or a fondness for bark inflicted grazes?)
Bonus points for the tree height, the lack of smile, the black velvet dress, the boots, and the mid-climb action shot. The graveyard looks sufficiently eerie and this goth has made the up-tree experience look entirely natural.
5 out of 5 - Why aren’t there any graveyards around my town with decent trees? WHY?
Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “we went to a graveyard on a cold rainy evening, there’s no effect on the picture, the light was just weird colors. also possible ghost involvement.”
I find it difficult to be impressed these days due to the world being a constant source of disappointment to me, but this photo has genuinely impressed me. For the first time in at least a year I nearly cracked a smile. Not only is this goth up a tree in a cemetery but she’s there at night time, she’s not smiling and there’s eerie shit going on with the light. What can I say apart from 5 points, friends? NOTHING.
5 out of 5 - Nothing else matters.
Gothika submitted this photo with the comment “Being a goth is more than a style…it’s a way of life. I live my life in trees full of hate and death. Black soul and black blood runs through the veins of my body.”
This goth approaches being up a tree with an appropriate level of seriousness. I’m unsure of how her trees can be full of hate and death, though. My guess is that they’re infested with those stinky ants that secrete formic acid when threatened (aka ‘piss ants’ as we sophisticates in Australia call them). It seems pretty extreme to call ant-ridden trees full of hate and death, though. Perhaps she just really hates ants.
She’s a medium height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade despite it being a sunny day. She’s appropriately gothed-up with some ant-stomping boots and some hand-protecting lace fingerless gloves. Her veins/skin look pretty normal for someone whose blood runs black. Perhaps she should get that looked at.
4.6 out of 5 - Hating ants is serious business.