lovesambina submitted this photo with the comment “G. O. Tree. H.”

The submitter is deliberately tempting me with an acronym to decipher to distract me from the obvious fact that she’s just leaning on a tree and is not actually up it.  It is, however, a lovely picture and she reminds me of a gelfling from the Dark Crystal, so bonus points there.  I love me a blonde goth and I like her make-up but I am questioning her choice of jacket.  She’s not smiling but it’s definitely daylight. 

3 out of 5 - I’m too lazy to be tempted by your acronym.  OK here’s one: Get On Tree, Hellion.  Or, my new username: Grim Obsessed Tree Hater.

cressidaknapp submitted this photo with the comment “These photo’s were taken on the January full moon. We did the shoot before initiating each other into the coven ‘Cloud of Bats’. Then we went home and watched Rosemary’s baby and drank tinned Pina Colada’s.”

Straight up… now tell me do you really want to love me forever? oh oh oh…   Sorry, I had a small Paula Abdul moment including hair swishing but minus the tap dancing.  What I meant to say was, straight up, I think we can say that these aren’t goths.  I mean, they might be ✝ uber goffix ✝ at heart but their appearance says “totes hipster” to me.  I appreciate the effort they’ve gone to though and I’m glad they have observed the long standing tradition of drinking pina coladas from a can after a coven initiation.

They’re high up the tree, it’s night time, and they’re not smiling.  Bonus points for the full moon and sunglasses at night.  Points deducted for lack of obvious gothness.

3 out of 5 - After my coven initiation we drank cosmopolitans and watched Sex in the City.  Shitest coven ever.

star-toast submitted this photo with the comment “It was a really nice beautiful day outside, even thought I spent most of it inside, I decided to take photo of me because I haven’t done it in a while. After looking at all the photo, this one was the best”

This goth has successfully evaded the pivotal question ‘how high is the goth up the tree?’ by showing mostly their noggin and hardly any tree in the photo. What am I to do with this? *sigh*  I’m not sure what his definition of a ‘beautiful day’ would be.  My definition of a beautiful day for gothing is a still, overcast day that is cool enough to wear an excellent jacket and big boots but not so cold that my nose goes red and draws unwanted attention to itself.  It looks like an overcast day but, you know, that could be because he has desaturated the colours.

He’s not smiling.  He has admirable eyebrows and is doing well with a monochromatic make-up palette.  I’m deducting points for tree height for obvious reasons.

3 out of 5 - I like a man with eye-liner and drawn on eyebrows but I’d like to see more of the tree he’s in.

Davey Pebb submitted this photo with the comment “May not be traditional make-up, but he is certainly a goth and he is up a tree.”

How can we tell that this guy is certainly a goth? He does appear to have blood dripping out of his mouth but that doesn’t automatically indicate gothness. He looks a bit too tanned and too used to wearing jeans for my liking.  I’d say this guy looks like surfer who decided to climb a tree after a particularly painful trip to the dentist. 

Yes, he’s high up a tree and he’s not smiling.  Bonus points for blood trickle and vampiric tendencies.  Points deducted for jean shorts and sun exposure.

3 out of 5 - Yeah, I climb trees topless and shoeless after visiting the dentist. What of it?

Countess Jenella submitted this photo with the comment “Perhaps smiling too much? Too much fun up the tree!!”

What do you mean “perhaps smiling too much”?  This level of up-tree mirth is BLOODY OUTRAGEOUS.  I don’t care how much fun you’re having up a tree, I would prefer that you keep a straight face and not communicate your enjoyment through facial expressions.  I mean, really!  What sort of a goth are you?

At least I can talk about the splendid tree in this photo because it’s one of the 10 trees I can identify; a magnolia.  According to this photo, the magnolia is a particularly enjoyable tree to climb.  The goth seems quite high up the tree.   It looks like she’s shinnied up that branch which is probably also quite amusing for her.  It’s daytime and she’s in very casual tree climbing gear.  Bonus points for the sun-safe hat and tattoos.

3 out of 5 - Beware of the hilarious magnolia tree.

hannah-sea submitted this photo with no comment.

If there isn’t a blog called “Goths at the Base of Trees”, or GATBOT for short, there bloody well should be because I have a few photos I could pass on.  Until that happens, it is my duty to post them here but I have to give them a low tree height score.  It’s just the way it goes. MY HANDS ARE TIED.  Well, they’re not because I wouldn’t be able to type properly if they were.  So, MY FEET ARE TIED.

So, here we have a goth looking distraught at the base of a tree in a graveyard.  Was she distraught because it’s sunny and she forgot her sunscreen?  Did she bang her head on a branch trying to climb the tree? Was she just trying to hide her face for fear of ridicule because she didn’t bother to even attempt to climb?  We will never know.  She’d better not be smiling under that hair because that’s the only thing I can give her points for apart from the graveyard.

3 out of 5 - Goths at the Base of Trees, coming to a tumblr near you.

Also, today is the last day you can use the discount code gothsneedshirts for 20% off t-shirts at Goths Up Tees.  Buy one and get +10 goth points.

Goth Zilla submitted this photo with the comment “Here’s a goth pulling herself up a tree from hooks pierced in to her back.”

I have had this photo for a while but I’ve resisted posting it because this goth is not technically up the tree; she’s suspended from the tree, albeit in a most goth manner. There’s another photo here where you can see the hooks in her flesh (but not the tree).  So she is kind of up the tree in that it’s the tree that is supporting her weight, no?

She’s definitely a goth, and she looks like she’s grimacing rather than smiling. She’s technically not high up the tree and she’s in the least goth environment ever: the beach.  It is an interesting photo, though.

3 out of 5 - If your weight is supported by the tree and your feet are off the ground, could you say you were ‘up’ the tree?

Jez submitted this photo with the comment “My old friend Marge back in 2000 doing what goths do best :-D”

Doing what goths do best?  Climbing trees via a ladder in platform boots and mid-riff tops?  I can tell you that I know a lot of goths (some people even think that I’m a goth but I am a unique and individual tosswomble and I refuse to be restricted by labels *ahem*) and I would not say that this kind of activity is generally what goths do best.  I’m struggling to say what they actually do best, as a subculture, except for appreciating dark aesthetics and things.  What are things?  Oh shut up, it’s the first day back at work from the long weekend and my brain just isn’t functioning.

This goth looks a bit too happy and has a bit too much skin showing for a sunny day such as this. At least she has impractical ladder-climbing footwear, although I did try and climb a tree in my platform New Rocks the other day and a ladder would have been appreciated.  She’s not high off the ground, it’s sunny, she’s smiling, I’m unhappy.

3 out of 5 - Why did the goth take a ladder to the bar?

Glen Brauninger submitted this photo with the comment “I saw your website and thought I would do my part. But how do I get down?”

Interesting question, Glen. That’s something that you’re going to have to work out yourself. I hope that you’re not still waiting for an answer because you sent this photo in ages ago and you may have died of exposure in that time.  That’s not something I want on my conscience.  It’s bad enough that still have I have that time I stole a packet of chips from my best friend’s lunch box when I was 5 on my conscience. She’s still my best friend so she’s clearly forgiven me BUT I HAVEN’T FORGIVEN MYSELF. 

Anyway, this guy is totally smiling in a Guy Smiley-esque manner, which is something I disapprove of.  Everyone knows that if you’re going to imitate a muppet it had better be Animal or Statler and Waldorf (combined).  He looks to be quite high up the tree but the daylight and smiling negates this.

3 out of 5 - Goths up trees with your host Guy Smiley!! *applause*

renee from RI submitted this photo with the comment “After growing up in FL, I was like a Goth pig in $#&t when I moved to Salem, MA in the mid 90s. Here’s a ubiquitous cemetery shot soon after. I would’ve gone further up the tree, but it was a borrowed cape and sometimes one doesn’t want to sully one’s velvet… ;)”

This person doesn’t look very ‘up’ a tree from what we can see in this photo, but I’m posting it anyway because it definitely involves a goth, a tree and a cemetery and, for all I know, this goth could be sitting on the stump of a low branch (which could explain the ever so slightly alarmed look on her face).  Even so, it’s a very low score for height. She’s definitely got the whole ‘no definition between hair and velvet cloak’ look which lends a somewhat religious feel to the outfit.  She’s certainly not smiling but it’s daylight.  Bonus points for the cemetery and the resistance to velvet sullying.

3 out of 5 - Get thee to the gothic nunnery and get UP a tree.

Bram sent this in with the comment “Malice Amarantine of beautydestroyed.com. She claims not to qualify as goth.”

Yes, yes, I have had this photo for a while and I haven’t posted it because she says she ain’t a goth and I am happy to respect her anti-goth wishes.. but I think it’s quite a charming photo nonetheless and if you imagine that you haven’t seen those jeans and perhaps those boots then you’d think she was a rather lovely goth up a tree.  Plus, I looked at her website (NSFW, BTW, I made that mistake) her look is quite gothish anyway. I bet she walks down the street and people yell “GOTH” at her. I never really understood why people do that. Do they think we don’t know that we look like goths?  Do they think that’s an insult? I like to yell back “Holy shit! You’re right!” which always makes me new friends. 

She looks like she’s contemplating a more gothtacular outfit to wear up a tree for her next photo.  The sun is going down, she’s quite high up the tree and she’s not smiling. If only she would embrace her inner gothness *sigh*. 

3 out of 5 - For when not-a-goth looks a lot like a goth (except for the jeans).

Khalid Horus Makalani submitted this photo with no comment.

Mate, I can’t see whether you’re up a tree or standing in front of a tree.  I’m going to have to assume you’re up it because you wouldn’t lie to me, would you? Would You? WOULD YOU? Noooo, of course not, we’re all friendly Goths here. We’re not going to mention that one time when that one guy did that thing.

So, what can we say about this fine Goth from what we can see? It kinda looks like a Goth myspace portrait shot (hey, do you remember myspace? No? Me neither!) He has a lovely Ankh, dreads, nice stick pin, excellent sunnies.  Is he invoking my favourite character from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series, Death, with that Ankh?  Let’s go with yes because that’ll make me happy. He’s looking relatively chipper.  He’s out in the full sun, for shame! I wish I could see more of him but, you know, we do what we can do.

3 out of 5 - Say ‘ankh’ 10 times in a row

Lisa King submitted this photo with the comment “I am a Southern US Goth…and in a swamp. It’s hard to be a Goth in the South…and even harder to romp freely on and up trees in soaking wet leather pants and boots, in hot swampy weather. The plight of the Southern Goth! Yet I was not going to let it ruin my tree pose. Snakes are in swamps, and snakes are Goth.”

Thanks for the background info, Lisa.  If you hadn’t given me the back story, I wouldn’t know that was even a tree that you’re sitting on but on closer inspection I see this is some sort of log.  Now, this is not Goths on logs in swamps (hey, kids - new idea for a tumblr account!), so I’m going to have to give this no score for height *tsk tsk*. I take comfort in knowing that this is/was a tree otherwise it would have to be disqualified completely.  I do like the leather pants and the dark lipstick and the interesting ‘hark, do I hear a swampie coming hitherwards’ pose.  Note: I was told by a SOG (sad old goth) that the term ‘swampie’ was used by SOGs to describe babygoths in the early 90s.  Yes, this makes it soooo much funnier. READ THAT AGAIN.  *sigh*  Also, I now classify as a SOG.  WOE. 

Lisa isn’t smiling but it is daytime. Extra points for the interesting swamp setting and the fact that she has risked the snake infestation for the photo.

3 out of 5 - Beware the swampies

herladydisdain submitted this photo with the caption “What’s stranger than a gothupatree? A smiling goth in a tree. Photoshoot for a fashion design course in the norther California springtime.”

So it seems that cherry trees in blossom are one of the most popular tree varieties for Goths to sit in, which is probably why this up-tree seems so happy; she feels at home.  I’m glad she has goggles on her head because you never know when you might need to do some surprise arc welding or go for a quick dip in the local public pool.  I apologise to all goggle-wearers out there but they’re one of the many cybergoth trends that I’ve never gotten in to; even though I bought my brother a charming spiky checker-plate pair for his birthday in 2004 (daw, cute - he’s probably going to hit me for that.)

I like her slashed PVC, arm warmers and good use of fishnet.  I can’t really gauge how far she is up the tree but I’m guessing she’s not high off the ground.  There’s sun shining directly on her shoulders (for shame) and, as we’ve previously discussed, she’s smiling like she’s genuinely happy. Deary me.

3 out of 5 - always be prepared for arc welding up cherry trees

Sugar_Skull sent this in with the comment “Sitting in a cherry blossom tree.”

This young lady is fearlessly flashing quite a bit of white stockinged leg.  Perhaps it was quite warm that day and she wanted a breeze downstairs.  This is why we endorse the inclusion of the cotton gusset in tights, friends.  She’s looking pretty happy with herself in the circumstances. The breeze must be working its magic. She’s not terribly high up that tree and it is daylight.

Here’s a question: why do people wear white tights? Am I the only person who puts on white and immediately attracts all the dirt in a 100m radius to my clothes?  Also, they’re not all that flattering, especially when the rest of you is bedecked in black. This lady looks to have lovely slim legs and clearly doesn’t care about dirt, so, good on her.  I salute you, white tights wearing person.  

I want to find out WTF you think about white tights (aka am I alone here?):

3 out of 5 - A cool breeze on a white tights day