Carrie Shriver and Chrissy Basham submitted this photo with the comment “Goth on a stump. My friend said it best, “Your tree is the gothiest because it is DEAD!” Sorry my outfit was not more “gothy”, but I was a Seattle girl in 80 degree Atlanta…I was hot. I saw this stump and could not resist it.”
I think we all know that heat is not really an excuse for a less gothy outfit, friend, but I’ll allow this because, although the singlet could have been a more suitable colour (black), the rest looks summertime goth appropriate. I’m also giving you the benefit of the doubt when it comes to goth footwear choice and am imagining suitably stompy boots.
I like the dramatic ‘oh, I am overcome by heat! I shall loll on this handy stump’ pose. She’s not smiling and she’s in the shade but it is daylight and the tree height is very low.
3.5 out of 5 - Stump lolling at its finest.
black-veil-brides-forever666 submitted this photo with the comment “Boots, skin tight jeans, and looking like an ugly freak to those who walk past will never stop me from climbing trees. It may not be great but I don’t care.”
Oh, my dear up-tree friend. I highly doubt anyone is going to think ‘my, that is an ugly freak up that tree’. Besides, you’re in the perfect tree type and position to pelt them with pine cones should they look at you derisively, so climb up those trees and let them think what they will! CELEBRATE YOUR FREAKINESS!
The quality of the photo isn’t great and she’s out in the sun, so points deducted there. She’s high up the tree, she’s not smiling, and her self-deprecation has made me uneasy (I’m not sure whether to add or deduct points for this).
3.5 out of 5 - Celebrate your freakiness by pelting passers-by with pine cones.
Necol submitted this photo with the comment “Hey I’m Shady, don’t you just love the peaceful shade of a tree?”
This goth loves the peaceful shade of a tree a bit too much for my liking. She looks like she’s trying not to smile but she’s failing because it’s all too peaceful and lovely and shady. To be honest, it doesn’t look all that shady and I highly doubt Shady is her real name. LIES, ALL LIES!
Our goth is high up the tree and she’s gone for a purple goth fairy look, which I always appreciate. I’m giving points for her attempt to not smile. Points deducted for sun exposure and fib telling.
3.5 out of 5 - You can pretend that you’re not smiling or sitting in the sun, friends, but I have these things I like to call “eyes” that are great for detecting whether sun or smiles appear on goths.
fuckauf submitted this photo with no comment.
Another dead-looking goth up a tree. I know what those non-goths among us are thinking, ‘don’t all goths look dead?’ and to that I say “seriously, you couldn’t come up with something better than that?” and then you say “what, don’t they?” and then I say “we look ELEGANTLY ON THE VERGE OF DEATH so kindly shut your face” *dramatic flounce off towards the pub*.
This goth seems to be hanging astride a branch quite high up a tree. She’s not smiling. It’s daytime and I have issues with the desert boots for obvious reasons, so points deducted there. Nice use of sepia to increase the spookiness levels and disguise any hipster-ness (although I have some pretty strong suspicions).
3.5 out of 5 - ‘sif a goth would ever go near a desert!
Jessicabh submitted this photo with the comment “This is me up a tree in my backyard.”
Colour and stripe coordination is key when attempting to introduce colour into your wardrobe and this young lady has it down pat. She’s looking quite stately up her backyard tree. I can picture her with a photoshopped sceptre, cape and crown quite easily. She’s not high up the tree, it’s daylight and this is possibly the least goth backdrop I’ve ever seen (white picket fences, lush green lawn and quaint barn thingys WTF). She’s not smiling and bonus points for stripe coordination.
3.5 out of 5 - Perhaps bonus points should be given for the most bizarre backdrops.
musicalromantic submitted this photo with the comment “Don’t really like this but what the hell.”
Why did you send me a photo that you don’t like of your feet, dearest bodiless goth? If anyone else is thinking of sending me photos of their disembodied feet, I would really appreciate a bit more foot gothification. You know, a splash of black nail polish, perhaps a pentagram tattoo, an ankh toe ring here and there, or obvious callouses caused by ridiculous goth footwear.
I like what I can see of this faceless, bodiless goth’s lacy outfit but I have no doubt that the podophiles out there will appreciate this photo more than I do. She looks to be a medium height up the tree and this is definitely a different perspective on the up-tree experience than we’ve seen before. Is she smiling? It’s a mystery. It’s certainly daylight.
3.5 out of 5 - If a goth smiles in a forest and no one can see her face, did she actually smile?
goth-waffles submitted this photo with the comment “tree climbing~ or just sitting down on the first branch. close enough-“
What a cute little goth we have here. Yes, yes, she’s not very high up the tree, there’s a hint of a smile there, and she’s out in the daylight, but it’s refreshing to see a photo taken from different angle, even if it breaks the majority of the rules.
I like her tie-dyed dress, her lacy gloves, and the old faithful use of wide-net stockings as a top. For some reason she reminds me of Little Miss Muffet waiting for her spider to arrive.
3.5 out of 5 - Being a cute little goth means you can get away with breaking my rules.
Briseis submitted this photo with the comment “Back in 2002. As you can see the trees where I live don’t really lend themselves to climbing, so I had to go with one that was already lying down.”
Oh, it is sad that this poor goth’s trees are unclimbable. She’s made it sound like the tree was just a bit tired and decided to have a quick lie down, whereupon she sat on it. Admittedly, that’s also my reaction when I see something that is having a bit of a lie down. My boyfriend will probably tell you that this is quite annoying but what better way to express your affection for someone/something than sitting on it and generally annoying the piss out of it? THERE IS NO BETTER WAY.
While I can see there are no obvious climbable trees, this goth is not high up the tree. Thankfully, the tree is supporting the majority of her weight which is more than I can say for some submissions. There’s a hint of a satisfied smile there. It’s daylight but she’s fully covered including a stylish hat. She gets bonus points for cape-wearing and colour coordination.
3.5 out of 5 - Show your affection for trees by sitting in/on/up them
Sam Winthrop submitted this photo with the comment “/>”
First of all, Sam submitted this photo rotated on its side. Thanks, Sam. I’m interpreting your helpful comment as ‘So sorry that I have no idea how to do something basic like rotate a photo. If I’d known you were going to whinge about it on your blog I wouldn’t have submitted it at all’. Nice, Sam. Nice. Second of all, the outfit and Immortal band t-shirt makes me think this guy is more a black metal dude than a goth…. or a goth with an appreciation of black metal, let’s go with that.
He has a manic look on his face (probably desperately trying to work out how to apply a gaussian blur and other complex image editing functions). He’s high up the tree but it’s daylight.
3.5 out of 5 - Black metal rotating
The One submitted this photo with the comment “I apologise for the bright sunny day but he won’t be getting sunburned! Besides, he’s very pretty.”
He is pretty, but is he a goth? My gothdar says no; he is either someone of the emo persuasion or a hardcore enthusiast. Do I listen to my gothdar? Most of the time, however, most of the time I am surrounded by goths, goth-curious or goth compatible types so it probably needs recalibration.
The photo is quite good despite the lack of obvious gothness and the maximum sunlight. He appears to be quite high up the tree and he’s not smiling, thank goodness. I would like to see this man dressed in Regency garb a la Mr Fitzwilliam Darcy. Hell, I’d like to see any man dressed like that. TIGHT PANTS, YEAH.
3.5 out of 5 - Does my gothdar deceive me? It’s telling me that there will be black rain in the next 24 hours.
Sierra submitted this photo with no caption.
Going a bit crazy with the creative colourisation aren’t we? Never mind. This goth is very cute and we all enjoy playing with image editors now and then, don’t we? Yes we do. To prove it, I will show you my very first image editing attempt on a photo of myself from 1999. Soooooo very bad and pixellated. What the hell did I do to my eyebrows? Yes, yes, I had cat-eye contacts but was 1999! No one had them then. They cost me a fortune! STOP LAUGHING!
Back to this little masterpiece (which is clearly better than mine), the goth is quite low in the tree so points deducted there. She isn’t smiling. It’s daylight and quite a bright day by the look of the small piece that hasn’t been made greyscale.
3.5 out of 5 - graphics software: assisting goths to look gothier since 1987
Chris sent this photo with no caption.
A very dark and moody photo. The goth has that look of scorn perfected by goth girls the world over from years of dealing with ridiculous questions, such as: ‘Can you breath in that corset?’, ‘Are you hot in all that black?’, and ‘Do you sacrifice goats?’ (of course we can breath in corsets, you idiot, if we weren’t able to then we wouldn’t be standing there suffering your stupidity.) She looks very low in the tree. I’m detecting a bit of panne velvet in that dress, sadly. It’s daytime but it looks like the sun is going down.
3.5 out of 5 - No, I’m not hot in this black. Those beads of water on my forehead are just tears that flowed upwards from my eyes in fright after I saw your outfit.
Patty submitted this photo with the comment “Hi, a few days ago i sent you a pic of my friend Eddy back in high school… the one who was so goth he just had to poop bats and talk to ravens…. well I found this gem today…. this was Eddy 2 years ago… the goth is still alive and strong after 10 years”.
I love to hear about goffs maintaining the black. This guy must be one of those goth contortionists you never hear anything about. Either that or his interest in the gothic subculture has led him into a career in performance art or interpretative dance.
To be honest, I’m going to have to take your word for it that this guy has maintained the black because I’m concerned about the gothness of that belt. Ignoring the belt, there’s a whole world of sun on his (admittedly pale) skin. Nice boots, though. He’s not smiling and he’s a reasonable height up the tree, especially considering the pose. What is he pointing at? Is he mimicking Adam from Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel ceiling? If so, he should probably get the rest of his kit off.
3.5 out of 5 - goth contortionists should live up trees
ron1n submitted this photo with the comment “Do I really have to think of something witty or can you guys do that for me? Anyway here is a goth in a tree.”
Thanks Ron1n. I notice you didn’t bother thinking up something witty for me. Such a shame, because it would take some of the pressure off me (yeah, ‘cause it’s keeping me awake at night).
This goth reminds me a bit of my older brother going through his coloured hair phase (muahahhaaa - there is no escape). Only because of the hair and he looks like a tall dude. I’m fairly sure my brother would never wear shoes without socks. Also, this guy looks kind of scared; he’s gripping that tree fairly tightly and the look on his face isn’t exactly serene. Perhaps he’s afraid of heights. Tall people afraid of heights are like goths afraid of spiders (I say this because I’m short, of course). Why are there so many goths afraid of spiders? This question is always in my brain (along with the question “where is my next wheel of cheese going to come from?”)
He’s off the ground but he’s not all that high. He’s not smiling and it’s daylight. Bonus points given because he looks bloody terrified.
3.5 out of 5 - If you’re afraid of heights, climb trees with socks as well as shoes.
Kathryn submitted this photo with the caption “It was a very small tree, but climbing in 5 inch platforms and a skirt *that* short is not a good idea.”
You’re right, Kathryn, that is a very small tree and a very small skirt and very big shoes. You can only do what you can do when you’re gothed up to this degree and if ‘barely off the ground’ is what you can do then so be it. There’s some creative blur going on in this picture, which makes it difficult to work out exactly what the situation is. I detect excellent hair, boots, macro net fishies, corset and pirate skirt. Is this another well-dressed pirate goth who has had too much rum and steadying themselves on a tree after extreme on-land pillaging? I really want to say something like “arg, ye land lubbers, I’ll steal your boots, draw on your face with eyeliner, quaff your absinthe and have my way with your goth boys, arg”. But I won’t because that would be terrible.
She’s clearly not very high off the ground. She’s not smiling but it looks quite dark (although that could be more creative photoshopping, but let’s give them the benefit of the doubt).
3.5 out of 5 - Ahoy ye pirate goffs in small small skirts!