Jessica submitted this photo with the comment “The night was cold and dark. Almost as cold and dark as I am.”
If the night was as cold and dark as you say, mon amie gothique, then why do you have bare arms? It suggests to me that you’re not as cold at heart as you think you are. To be honest, most goths aren’t as cold at heart as they’d have you believe. Just show a goth a video of orphaned baby bats and watch what happens (I swear I retained my stony composure the entire length of each video *ahem*).
This goth is a decent height up the tree, it’s night time and she’s not smiling. Points deducted for the shitty photo quality. I’m not sure whether to add or deduct points for the red-eye laser stare so I’m not going to do anything.
4.6 out of 5 - Help! I’ve fallen into a baby bat video youtube loop and I can’t get out.
Cinder submitted this photo with the comment “It’s so hard to find a good tree in Arizona. After all I don’t see “Goth’s up Cactus” is that even possible? Golden Valley, Arizona. Just outside Kingman.”
Goths up Cacti would definitely be attractive for the masochists amongst us and I have evidence that it is possible. For your consideration I present these dudes who managed to climb up a cactus while a helpful supporting cast member held off irritated officials who don’t seem to appreciate it when you climb protected species. Obviously, the guys up the cactus look more like hipsters searching for local boutique beer joint than goths, but we don’t really care about them, do we? No.
Our goth here has found herself a tree in a car park, which is not ideal but she’s working with the tree she’s been given. She’s nicely covered up from the sun’s rays, she’s a medium height up the tree, and she’s definitely not smiling. Bonus points for tree climbing against the odds.
4.6 out of 5 - If someone can find a cactus that will support their weight and that isn’t a protected species then they should get up it ASAP or just wrap it in a blanket and give it a hug
Gothika submitted this photo with the comment “Being a goth is more than a style…it’s a way of life. I live my life in trees full of hate and death. Black soul and black blood runs through the veins of my body.”
This goth approaches being up a tree with an appropriate level of seriousness. I’m unsure of how her trees can be full of hate and death, though. My guess is that they’re infested with those stinky ants that secrete formic acid when threatened (aka ‘piss ants’ as we sophisticates in Australia call them). It seems pretty extreme to call ant-ridden trees full of hate and death, though. Perhaps she just really hates ants.
She’s a medium height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade despite it being a sunny day. She’s appropriately gothed-up with some ant-stomping boots and some hand-protecting lace fingerless gloves. Her veins/skin look pretty normal for someone whose blood runs black. Perhaps she should get that looked at.
4.6 out of 5 - Hating ants is serious business.
blackischeerful submitted this photo with the comment “My boyfriend (whose logo is in the corner) wanted to do a photoshoot, and I thought it would be fun to climb this tree. Unfortunately it wasn’t very tall…”
How cute is this goth? Bloody cute. She has the smug look of a goth girl with a photographer boyfriend who doesn’t have to rely on ridiculous self-portraits and blurry drunken nightclub photos for her blog content. Damn her.
Our goth is nicely gothed up and in an interesting hand-like, albeit low slung, tree. She’s out in daylight but she’s mostly hidden from the sun’s rays. Bonus points for the boots, corset and hood.
4.6 out of 5 - Points deducted because I’m sure the photographer boyfriend could have stretched to a night time shot. COME ON!
glendon-allens-monster submitted this photo with the comment “Me up a tree in Oakwood Cemetery”
Glendon here has done a top job with this one. He’s found a tree that some moron with a swiss army knife defaced with uber profound words that make me want to stab myself in the eye with my stylus. I must restrain myself, however, for the sake of the trees… and my fellow goths.
Our goth here is high up the tree, he’s not smiling, and he’s in the shade, although it is daylight. He hasn’t given me a location because there are approximately 20 million cemeteries in the world called ‘Oakwood’, which would be disappointing if I cared in the slightest.
4.6 out of 10 - Scar yourself not trees.
Jennifer Roche submitted this photo with the comment “This was taken by my daughter and is in our local park in Dublin, Ireland. This particular tree is very low-hanging and easy climb. Handy if you’re in high-heeled boots….which I was! ;)”
I hate to tell you, needlessly worried parents of babygoths around the world, but being a goth often isn’t ‘just a phase’, as proven by this eldergoth up a tree. It’s true that some goths do magically wake up having morphed over night into rockabilly types, or gradually tone it down until they’re just vaguely alternative people who like the odd black boot, but many just keep on keeping on.
This particular eldergoth has done well to get to that height in her high-heeled boots but, unfortunately, she is smiling. You’d think that all those years of gothness would turn your mouth into a permanent child-scaring sneer. Damn, I was counting on that. She’s out in the daylight but she’s in the shade. Bonus points for the cute outfit.
4.6 out of 5 - Eldergoths, we salute you!
stillsostrange submitted this photo with the comment “A ren faire goth up a tree. Every time a Bauhaus song plays, a goth fairy gets her wings.”
I thought it was that every time a Bauhaus song plays, a babygoth says “christ those eldergoths listen to some boring shit, put on some Combichrist!”, which results in the eldergoths giving them a withering look (being secretly gratified that the Kids Are Still Idiots™) and commences the ritual stripping of the babygoth’s right to be called a ‘goth’. At least, that’s how it used to be.
Our goth fairy here is high up the tree and she’s not smiling. She’s out in daylight, unfortunately, but she’s in the shade. Bonus points for the corset, wings, creative makeup and beak-like head-wear.
4.6 out of 5 - It’s a lot more pleasant for Bauhaus to trigger a goth fairy getting their wings than goths of various ages taking the piss out of each other.
kittensandcoffins submitted this photo with the comment “I found this large lovely tree while on a nature hike and saw a branch that closely resembled a chair. So naturally I sat in it.”
I agree, it’s only natural to want to sit in a branch that resembles a chair up a tree. This submission reminds me of a very unusual survey I had to fill out at work that contained the question “does sitting come naturally to you?” This girl surely would have responded with “What sort of bizarre question is that!?” as I did. And then say “yes, especially so if branch-chairs are involved”.
Our goth here is in a very cute outfit for a nature walk. She’s a reasonable height up the tree and she’s not smiling. It looks to be a sunny day but she’s mostly in the shade. Her pose is comfortable yet slightly formal. Bonus points for batty tights and stompy boots.
4.6 out of 4 - Are you a natural sitter? Does sitting belong in your routine? If you saw a branch that resembled a chair, would you be compelled to sit in it?
I was looking for a practical and concise page on ‘how to dress like a goth’ to help all those hipsters out there, when I discovered: a) there are no how-to pages out there that fit my requirements that don’t make me want to stab myself in eye repeatedly, and b) this young goth having a nap on a tree (from 2009, so it’s not my fault).
This goth is clearly unconcerned about the potential for painful armpit sunburn as we can see her armpit is definitely in the sun. The tree appears to be dead and fallen but it’s up off the ground, so our goth is a reasonable height up the tree. She’s not smiling and she’s doing the best ‘I’m so comfortable in this very awkward position that I fell asleep, how very seductive of me’ look that I’ve seen in a long time.
4.6 out of 5 - Keeping your ‘pits au naturale will reduce the potential for sunburn while you’re napping up trees.
sky-cowgirl submitted this photo with no comment.
This lady is looking quite majestic perched upon her up-tree throne. She’s managed the lack of smile well by adopting an interested yet commanding look. This is what I would like to look like when I’m up a tree, rather than just crabby and slightly uncomfortable (or a bit droopy if I’ve had too much absinthe), but that’s just the way my face falls.
They’ve attempted to thwart potential point deductions for colour and excessive sunlight by making the photo grey-scale, but I see through their editing! She’s high in the tree. Bonus points for the corset, lacy skirt (whatever colour it is), and excellent tree selection.
4.6 out of 5 - It’s the majesty of goth, the fantasy of roll, the ticking of the clock, the wailing of the soul </spinal tap reference>
demons-with-pretty-faces submitted this photo with the comment “A photoshoot i did a few weeks ago with my best goth friend ever”
I love to see goths working together to create something great. When my goth friends and I work together we usually produce hangovers, minor bruising and photos that you wouldn’t dare allow to appear on your faceboob time-line.
I’m particularly fond of the look on this goth’s face as there’s just the subtlest hint of disdain. She and the photographer look quite high up in the tree. She’s out in daylight but she’s in the shade. Bonus points for the maxinet fishnets; you just don’t see enough people wearing maxinets these days. They’re great for summer (ahahh suck it, Northern Hemispherians, it’s summer here in Australia)!
4.6 out of 5 - I didn’t realise there was such a thing as “best” goth friends. I just classify them by diminishing levels of hatred.
catacomb-kids submitted this photo with no comment.
I like this photo because this is the view you’d see if you were on the ground searching for sneaky goths up trees. You’d get to see the sky through the branches with added extra goth under-chins and goth nasal passages.
This goth is high up the tree and she’s not smiling. I can’t really get a good idea of her facial expression but she looks like she’s waiting for something. Perhaps someone to bring her a hanky? Bonus points for excellent hair, uber outfit including corset, and the wintry setting. Points deducted for daylight.
4.6 out of 5 - If you’re going goth-spotting in a woodland setting, it is important to be able to identify goths from this angle.
Annabelle submitted this photo with the comment “I was just going through some old photos, and I found a series of shots I once did up a tree. And well, I thought of you…”
I love it when people think of me. I’d prefer that they thought of me when they were eating a delicious shepherds pie or playing a rollicking game of lawn bowls instead of going through photos of themselves, but you take what you can get.
This is a great down-the-trunk shot of a goth up a tree (in more ways than one - ha!) Our goth here is doing her best wide-eyed ‘I will steal your soul’ look which could easily be mistaken for a wide-eyed ‘innocently apprehensive’ look. She’s high up the tree and she’s not smiling. It’s day time, unfortunately, but she’s in the shade.
4.6 out of 5 - Bonus points for the unusual trunk-cam shot
hayleyspazz submitted this photo with no comment.
It can take years for some people to train their faces to get to this particular look of disapproval but this goth has got it down pat. Her crossed legs and posture tell us that she’s pretty relaxed about the whole thing despite the fact she snagged her stockings on the way up. She’s high up the tree, there’s no smiling and it’s an overcast looking day. I’m intrigued about why she decided to keep her coloured hair-band around her wrist for the photo, unless it’s some sort of religious thingy, in which case she can carry on wearing her religious hair-band and I’ll say no more about it.
4.6 out of 5 - Bonus points for extreme disapproval
askproxytaker submitted this photo with the comment “My goth friend up in a tree :I”
Put your hand up if you don’t appreciate boys in eyeliner! Oh, look at that, no one put their hand up (at least in my field of vision). Yes that’s right, friends, it’s a scientific fact* that the world would be a better place if more boys wore eyeliner. This goth here is doing his bit for world betterment and he’s doing it up a tree. Saying that, the hoodie is not my preferred accompaniment to eyeliner. However, I understand its usefulness in providing shade, so it’s forgiven seeing as it’s a sunny day. He’s not smiling and he’s a good height up the tree.
4.6 out of 5 - Three cheers for eyeliner!
* In a survey of goths and goth compatible types aged 21-33 within a 10 metre radius of me at a party a couple of weeks ago, 100% of respondents would have answered ‘yes’ had I asked them “should more boys wear eyeliner?” (which I didn’t because I already knew what they would respond with).