Paisley Wayward submitted this photo with no comment.
Here we have a goth with hippie tendencies (gippy? hoth? hipoth?) up a tree.  She’s peering at the sky with a look of disdain, which is the way all goths should observe the sun, especially when one has tattoos because one does not want one’s tattoos to fade! 
Our goth is not smiling and she’s mostly in the shade despite the daylight.  I am unable to see her feet to get an accurate impression of her tree height, but I think I can deduce from her effort in the other areas that she is a low/medium height up the tree (however, I’m in the midst of a chocolate stupor so my judgement may be impaired).  Bonus points for the excellent dreadies and pretty tattoos. 

4 out of 5 - Happy zombie-alcohol-chocolate holiday to me.  Oh, alright… and to you too, you needy bastards.

Paisley Wayward submitted this photo with no comment.

Here we have a goth with hippie tendencies (gippy? hoth? hipoth?) up a tree.  She’s peering at the sky with a look of disdain, which is the way all goths should observe the sun, especially when one has tattoos because one does not want one’s tattoos to fade! 

Our goth is not smiling and she’s mostly in the shade despite the daylight.  I am unable to see her feet to get an accurate impression of her tree height, but I think I can deduce from her effort in the other areas that she is a low/medium height up the tree (however, I’m in the midst of a chocolate stupor so my judgement may be impaired).  Bonus points for the excellent dreadies and pretty tattoos. 

4 out of 5 - Happy zombie-alcohol-chocolate holiday to me.  Oh, alright… and to you too, you needy bastards.

katmisfortune submitted this photo and one other with the comment

"This is me, up a tree in City Park. Please excuse the wretched sunlight, as it’s harder to get as far up in the darkness, we had to take the picture nearing sundown. I managed to stay in complete shade, thank goodness. (The [extra] picture is for reference as to how far up I had gotten into the tree…. Why they’re smiling, I haven’t a clue… Maybe it’s the adorable baby’s infectious smile)"

I appreciate it when goths go to the trouble to send me a context photo to ensure I don’t mark them low for tree height.  They don’t just expect that I will trust them when they tell me things, which is good because I ain’t no fool; I just scored 100% on the Introduction to Work Health & Safety course that I was forced to complete at work.  It had really difficult questions like “Why shouldn’t you drink alcohol at work?” and “Is it inappropriate to hang pictures of naked people in your cubicle?”  That’s right, kids, contrary to what you might think with all the tree climbing shenanigans and clothing that impedes movement, goths can be workplace safety geniuses too.
It’s possible that this goth is also a work health and safety genius; she is mostly out of the sun and looks safe and secure high up her impressive tree. She’s not smiling and has an excellent haircut and casual goth outfit. 
4.8 out of 5 - Don’t worry, I’m not going to start forcing goths to wear crash helmets up trees unless you can find me a stylish black one that doesn’t mess up my hair or makeup and looks fetching with a corset.

katmisfortune submitted this photo and one other with the comment

"This is me, up a tree in City Park. Please excuse the wretched sunlight, as it’s harder to get as far up in the darkness, we had to take the picture nearing sundown. I managed to stay in complete shade, thank goodness. (The [extra] picture is for reference as to how far up I had gotten into the tree…. Why they’re smiling, I haven’t a clue… Maybe it’s the adorable baby’s infectious smile)"

I appreciate it when goths go to the trouble to send me a context photo to ensure I don’t mark them low for tree height.  They don’t just expect that I will trust them when they tell me things, which is good because I ain’t no fool; I just scored 100% on the Introduction to Work Health & Safety course that I was forced to complete at work.  It had really difficult questions like “Why shouldn’t you drink alcohol at work?” and “Is it inappropriate to hang pictures of naked people in your cubicle?”  That’s right, kids, contrary to what you might think with all the tree climbing shenanigans and clothing that impedes movement, goths can be workplace safety geniuses too.

It’s possible that this goth is also a work health and safety genius; she is mostly out of the sun and looks safe and secure high up her impressive tree. She’s not smiling and has an excellent haircut and casual goth outfit. 

4.8 out of 5 - Don’t worry, I’m not going to start forcing goths to wear crash helmets up trees unless you can find me a stylish black one that doesn’t mess up my hair or makeup and looks fetching with a corset.

KLynn Horseman submitted this photo and two others with no comment.
This goth has chosen bizarre surroundings for her up-tree experience. It all looks a bit too nice with the manicured bushes and lawn.  I can imagine that there’s a nice old lady wearing pearls and a pale pink twin-set just out of shot.  Is our goth smiling because she juxtaposed a goffick with my idea of the suburban nightmare? I hope so.  
She’s high up the tree and she’s in the shade but it is daylight and she’s smiling.  It looks like she has a Misfits t-shirt on and she has cute hair, so bonus points there. Points deducted because of my irrational fear of manicured gardens and car parks. 
3.8 out of 5 - Get out! Get out now!

KLynn Horseman submitted this photo and two others with no comment.

This goth has chosen bizarre surroundings for her up-tree experience. It all looks a bit too nice with the manicured bushes and lawn.  I can imagine that there’s a nice old lady wearing pearls and a pale pink twin-set just out of shot.  Is our goth smiling because she juxtaposed a goffick with my idea of the suburban nightmare? I hope so.  

She’s high up the tree and she’s in the shade but it is daylight and she’s smiling.  It looks like she has a Misfits t-shirt on and she has cute hair, so bonus points there. Points deducted because of my irrational fear of manicured gardens and car parks. 

3.8 out of 5 - Get out! Get out now!

Brydie & Emma submitted this photo with the comment:

"Local Goths spotted clinging to the only nature in sleepwalking distance from their lair in the dead cold heart of Wellington city, New zealand. These two dismal goths rarely seen surfaced in the light of dismay..I mean day, try and do their best to blend in with the tree, but fail miserably as their pale flesh illuninates from the dreaded overpowering fucking sun. But we got you.. you cant hide forever you wicked wicked things."

I think these are the first self-identifying New Zealander goths I’ve received and I’m impressed by their effort (despite the use of a shitty filter on the photo and the blatant bandanna situation).  One has cunningly hidden her mouth to disguise any visible evidence of mirth.  I appreciate the effortless-looking athletic yet elegant pose of the higher level goth.  They’re a decent height up the tree. It’s day time and one is probably smiling but it’s hidden.
4 out of 5 - Good effort from our friends across the Tasman Sea. 

Brydie & Emma submitted this photo with the comment:

"Local Goths spotted clinging to the only nature in sleepwalking distance from their lair in the dead cold heart of Wellington city, New zealand. These two dismal goths rarely seen surfaced in the light of dismay..I mean day, try and do their best to blend in with the tree, but fail miserably as their pale flesh illuninates from the dreaded overpowering fucking sun. But we got you.. you cant hide forever you wicked wicked things."

I think these are the first self-identifying New Zealander goths I’ve received and I’m impressed by their effort (despite the use of a shitty filter on the photo and the blatant bandanna situation).  One has cunningly hidden her mouth to disguise any visible evidence of mirth.  I appreciate the effortless-looking athletic yet elegant pose of the higher level goth.  They’re a decent height up the tree. It’s day time and one is probably smiling but it’s hidden.

4 out of 5 - Good effort from our friends across the Tasman Sea. 

OddJoNNY submitted this photo with the comment “Bubbles too!!!”
This is a bloody perky looking goth blowing bubbles up a tree.  I suppose it’s pretty difficult to blow bubbles in a sombre manner.  I would try myself, for research purposes, but all I have are bacon bubbles for blowing at your dog in the hope that they’ll pull a stupid face.  Blowing bacon flavoured bubbles is probably going to make contemplating mortality fairly challenging. I’m willing to give it a go for science.
Our goth here is a good height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade, although it’s clearly day time. Bonus points for the excellent bubbles, the cute socks, sunnies, and the vamp fringe (oh, how I wish I could pull off a decent vamp fringe). Excellent work.
4.85 out of 5 - I just realised that the lyrics to ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles’ are a bit depressing and goffick: 
I’m forever blowing bubbles,Pretty bubbles in the air.They fly so high,Nearly reach the sky,Then like my dreams,They fade and die.
Word.

OddJoNNY submitted this photo with the comment “Bubbles too!!!”

This is a bloody perky looking goth blowing bubbles up a tree.  I suppose it’s pretty difficult to blow bubbles in a sombre manner.  I would try myself, for research purposes, but all I have are bacon bubbles for blowing at your dog in the hope that they’ll pull a stupid face.  Blowing bacon flavoured bubbles is probably going to make contemplating mortality fairly challenging. I’m willing to give it a go for science.

Our goth here is a good height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade, although it’s clearly day time. Bonus points for the excellent bubbles, the cute socks, sunnies, and the vamp fringe (oh, how I wish I could pull off a decent vamp fringe). Excellent work.

4.85 out of 5 - I just realised that the lyrics to ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles’ are a bit depressing and goffick: 

I’m forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.

Word.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”
This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position.  Imitating a sloth is no excuse.
Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time.  I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.
4.9 out of 5 -  Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week.  If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”

This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position.  Imitating a sloth is no excuse.

Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time.  I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.

4.9 out of 5 -  Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week.  If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.

Sarah submitted this photo with the comment “Spooky kids work out too.”
I know it may be a shock to some non-goths but many goths work out.  Yes, I know, you’ve probably never seen a goth on the squat rack at your local gym but we often choose different workout situations such as a few laps of the cemetery at dusk or, in my case, at a gym in a hospital conveniently placed next to the morgue. 
This goth has an appropriately dark and stripey workout outfit on so bonus points there. However, I know you can buy black gym shoes so I question her dedication to being a true Sportsgoth™.  At least her shoes aren’t white or fluro. She’s a good height up the tree and she looks relaxed after a hard gravestone hurdling session.  She’s not smiling and she’s in a graveyard at dusk.  
4.85 out of 5 - I’m feeling motivated for some Sportsgoth™ action at my gym/morgue right now.

Sarah submitted this photo with the comment “Spooky kids work out too.”

I know it may be a shock to some non-goths but many goths work out.  Yes, I know, you’ve probably never seen a goth on the squat rack at your local gym but we often choose different workout situations such as a few laps of the cemetery at dusk or, in my case, at a gym in a hospital conveniently placed next to the morgue. 

This goth has an appropriately dark and stripey workout outfit on so bonus points there. However, I know you can buy black gym shoes so I question her dedication to being a true Sportsgoth™.  At least her shoes aren’t white or fluro. She’s a good height up the tree and she looks relaxed after a hard gravestone hurdling session.  She’s not smiling and she’s in a graveyard at dusk.  

4.85 out of 5 - I’m feeling motivated for some Sportsgoth™ action at my gym/morgue right now.

Dorylini submitted this photo with the comment “it was raining, so we went to the graveyard, of course.”
My faith in the gothic subculture is being restored one goth up a tree (in a graveyard at night) at a time. This goth is showing particular dedication by enduring the elements to climb her tree (although apparently she chose the graveyard because it was raining, so is it dedication or a fondness for bark inflicted grazes?)   
Bonus points for the tree height, the lack of smile, the black velvet dress, the boots, and the mid-climb action shot.  The graveyard looks sufficiently eerie and this goth has made the up-tree experience look entirely natural.  
5 out of 5 - Why aren’t there any graveyards around my town with decent trees? WHY?

Dorylini submitted this photo with the comment “it was raining, so we went to the graveyard, of course.”

My faith in the gothic subculture is being restored one goth up a tree (in a graveyard at night) at a time. This goth is showing particular dedication by enduring the elements to climb her tree (although apparently she chose the graveyard because it was raining, so is it dedication or a fondness for bark inflicted grazes?)   

Bonus points for the tree height, the lack of smile, the black velvet dress, the boots, and the mid-climb action shot.  The graveyard looks sufficiently eerie and this goth has made the up-tree experience look entirely natural.  

5 out of 5 - Why aren’t there any graveyards around my town with decent trees? WHY?

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “we went to a graveyard on a cold rainy evening, there’s no effect on the picture, the light was just weird colors. also possible ghost involvement.”
I find it difficult to be impressed these days due to the world being a constant source of disappointment to me, but this photo has genuinely impressed me.  For the first time in at least a year I nearly cracked a smile.  Not only is this goth up a tree in a cemetery but she’s there at night time, she’s not smiling and there’s eerie shit going on with the light. What can I say apart from 5 points, friends?  NOTHING.
5 out of 5 - Nothing else matters.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “we went to a graveyard on a cold rainy evening, there’s no effect on the picture, the light was just weird colors. also possible ghost involvement.”

I find it difficult to be impressed these days due to the world being a constant source of disappointment to me, but this photo has genuinely impressed me.  For the first time in at least a year I nearly cracked a smile.  Not only is this goth up a tree in a cemetery but she’s there at night time, she’s not smiling and there’s eerie shit going on with the light. What can I say apart from 5 points, friends?  NOTHING.

5 out of 5 - Nothing else matters.

Gothika submitted this photo with the comment “Being a goth is more than a style…it’s a way of life. I live my life in trees full of hate and death. Black soul and black blood runs through the veins of my body.”
This goth approaches being up a tree with an appropriate level of seriousness. I’m unsure of how her trees can be full of hate and death, though.  My guess is that they’re infested with those stinky ants that secrete formic acid when threatened (aka ‘piss ants’ as we sophisticates in Australia call them).  It seems pretty extreme to call ant-ridden trees full of hate and death, though. Perhaps she just really hates ants.
She’s a medium height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade despite it being a sunny day. She’s appropriately gothed-up with some ant-stomping boots and some hand-protecting lace fingerless gloves. Her veins/skin look pretty normal for someone whose blood runs black.  Perhaps she should get that looked at.
4.6 out of 5 - Hating ants is serious business.

Gothika submitted this photo with the comment “Being a goth is more than a style…it’s a way of life. I live my life in trees full of hate and death. Black soul and black blood runs through the veins of my body.”

This goth approaches being up a tree with an appropriate level of seriousness. I’m unsure of how her trees can be full of hate and death, though.  My guess is that they’re infested with those stinky ants that secrete formic acid when threatened (aka ‘piss ants’ as we sophisticates in Australia call them).  It seems pretty extreme to call ant-ridden trees full of hate and death, though. Perhaps she just really hates ants.

She’s a medium height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade despite it being a sunny day. She’s appropriately gothed-up with some ant-stomping boots and some hand-protecting lace fingerless gloves. Her veins/skin look pretty normal for someone whose blood runs black.  Perhaps she should get that looked at.

4.6 out of 5 - Hating ants is serious business.

blackischeerful submitted this photo with the comment “My boyfriend (whose logo is in the corner) wanted to do a photoshoot, and I thought it would be fun to climb this tree. Unfortunately it wasn’t very tall…”
How cute is this goth? Bloody cute.  She has the smug look of a goth girl with a photographer boyfriend who doesn’t have to rely on ridiculous self-portraits and blurry drunken nightclub photos for her blog content.  Damn her.
Our goth is nicely gothed up and in an interesting hand-like, albeit low slung, tree.  She’s out in daylight but she’s mostly hidden from the sun’s rays.  Bonus points for the boots, corset and hood. 
4.6 out of 5 - Points deducted because I’m sure the photographer boyfriend could have stretched to a night time shot. COME ON!

blackischeerful submitted this photo with the comment “My boyfriend (whose logo is in the corner) wanted to do a photoshoot, and I thought it would be fun to climb this tree. Unfortunately it wasn’t very tall…”

How cute is this goth? Bloody cute.  She has the smug look of a goth girl with a photographer boyfriend who doesn’t have to rely on ridiculous self-portraits and blurry drunken nightclub photos for her blog content.  Damn her.

Our goth is nicely gothed up and in an interesting hand-like, albeit low slung, tree.  She’s out in daylight but she’s mostly hidden from the sun’s rays.  Bonus points for the boots, corset and hood. 

4.6 out of 5 - Points deducted because I’m sure the photographer boyfriend could have stretched to a night time shot. COME ON!

WOMBATINA submitted this photo with the comment “fairy goth”
I don’t care if you’re a fairy goth, there is no excuse for engaging in blatant smiling and shameless bathing in sunlight, even if you do look a little evil in the process. To make matters worse, it appears that this “fairy goth” is up a tree near a beach. 
She’s a decent height up the tree but she’s smiling, she’s out in the sun and she’s in an entirely un-goth location. Bonus point for the stripy socks though.
2 out of 5 - Christmas is getting to me.

WOMBATINA submitted this photo with the comment “fairy goth”

I don’t care if you’re a fairy goth, there is no excuse for engaging in blatant smiling and shameless bathing in sunlight, even if you do look a little evil in the process. To make matters worse, it appears that this “fairy goth” is up a tree near a beach. 

She’s a decent height up the tree but she’s smiling, she’s out in the sun and she’s in an entirely un-goth location. Bonus point for the stripy socks though.

2 out of 5 - Christmas is getting to me.

suilean-dubh submitted this photo with the comment “My bf-at-the-time-but-no-longer were taking a walk in a light drizzle early last spring and I wanted to climb a tree because hey it’s fun and he snapped this.”
Call me nosey, but I wish this goth had given us some details about why she’s no longer with her “bf-at-the-time-but-no-longer”.  If I had to guess, I’d say it was because the ex-bf experienced podophobia (fear of feet) and she was a shoe-less and fancy free goth who became tired of her beloved constantly trying to conceal her feet.  What started off as an endearing foible became a bloody nuisance and she broke it off in a fit of rage after a particularly irritating visit to the local mall.  
This photo was clearly taken in happier times hence the slight smile and the full display of feet. Our goth is appropriately pale and black-clad. She’s a decent height up the tree and it’s either overcast or taken at dusk. 
4.4 out of 5 - I have a phobia of becoming dendrophobic. 

suilean-dubh submitted this photo with the comment “My bf-at-the-time-but-no-longer were taking a walk in a light drizzle early last spring and I wanted to climb a tree because hey it’s fun and he snapped this.”

Call me nosey, but I wish this goth had given us some details about why she’s no longer with her “bf-at-the-time-but-no-longer”.  If I had to guess, I’d say it was because the ex-bf experienced podophobia (fear of feet) and she was a shoe-less and fancy free goth who became tired of her beloved constantly trying to conceal her feet.  What started off as an endearing foible became a bloody nuisance and she broke it off in a fit of rage after a particularly irritating visit to the local mall.  

This photo was clearly taken in happier times hence the slight smile and the full display of feet. Our goth is appropriately pale and black-clad. She’s a decent height up the tree and it’s either overcast or taken at dusk. 

4.4 out of 5 - I have a phobia of becoming dendrophobic. 

Elaine Valerie Rauhöft submitted this photo with the comment:

"This is my Goth up a tree. My daughter Hope has spent many hours in this tree throughout her life and I witnessed her gradual metamorphosis from child tree climber to Treegoth with great interest.  This tree was her refuge and friend and even though she has grown up now, it still is. This dress took us 2 years to sew and we took these pictures when it was finally finished in May 2013."

If I had an actual heart rather than a beautifully carved ice replica, this story of a girl growing with her tree into goth-hood would warm it. Instead, my ice replica heart crunched a bit in irritation because it didn’t understand why a dress would take 2 years to make. 
Dress construction time aside, this is a lovely photo of a goth up a tree.  She’s high up the tree, she’s not smiling and her 2 year old dress is displayed to it’s fullest drapey capacity. It’s daylight but she’s in the shade. 
4.7 out of 5 - Sometimes my ice replica heart and my vodka addled brain have disagreements ending in delicious slushies. 

Elaine Valerie Rauhöft submitted this photo with the comment:

"This is my Goth up a tree. My daughter Hope has spent many hours in this tree throughout her life and I witnessed her gradual metamorphosis from child tree climber to Treegoth with great interest.  This tree was her refuge and friend and even though she has grown up now, it still is. This dress took us 2 years to sew and we took these pictures when it was finally finished in May 2013."

If I had an actual heart rather than a beautifully carved ice replica, this story of a girl growing with her tree into goth-hood would warm it. Instead, my ice replica heart crunched a bit in irritation because it didn’t understand why a dress would take 2 years to make. 

Dress construction time aside, this is a lovely photo of a goth up a tree.  She’s high up the tree, she’s not smiling and her 2 year old dress is displayed to it’s fullest drapey capacity. It’s daylight but she’s in the shade. 

4.7 out of 5 - Sometimes my ice replica heart and my vodka addled brain have disagreements ending in delicious slushies. 

Bianka Grüneberg-Meyer submitted this photo with the comment “hello hello, here I am in a selfmade dress up on a broken tree on “Urwald” Lovely greetings from Germany”
Lovely greetings back at you, Bianka!  I was in Germany last month and I saw no goths up trees.  I didn’t even see any goths in the general vicinity of a tree (apart from myself, of course, but I don’t count).  Perhaps I missed them because they were, like this lady, wearing earthy tones and were camouflaged.  Either that or goths don’t get up trees on the autobahn, at tourist destinations, or in bars…
I know some of you will be questioning this lady’s gothness due to her outfit. I put it to you that her steampunk-y, Victorian inspired outfit is goth-compatible.  I think you’ll agree that the picture is lovely, though.  She’s a low height in the tree and she’s not smiling.  It’s daylight but she’s in the midst of a scene of beautiful death and decay.
3.7 out of 5 - I think I need to go back to Germany and search a little harder.

Bianka Grüneberg-Meyer submitted this photo with the comment “hello hello, here I am in a selfmade dress up on a broken tree on “Urwald” Lovely greetings from Germany”

Lovely greetings back at you, Bianka!  I was in Germany last month and I saw no goths up trees.  I didn’t even see any goths in the general vicinity of a tree (apart from myself, of course, but I don’t count).  Perhaps I missed them because they were, like this lady, wearing earthy tones and were camouflaged.  Either that or goths don’t get up trees on the autobahn, at tourist destinations, or in bars…

I know some of you will be questioning this lady’s gothness due to her outfit. I put it to you that her steampunk-y, Victorian inspired outfit is goth-compatible.  I think you’ll agree that the picture is lovely, though.  She’s a low height in the tree and she’s not smiling.  It’s daylight but she’s in the midst of a scene of beautiful death and decay.

3.7 out of 5 - I think I need to go back to Germany and search a little harder.