terrestrial submitted this photo 3 times with different photo-shopped variations. This one had the the comment “twenty feet up in combat boots, red lace, black silk & lipstick darker than the empty cavern in my chest that once bore my heart. if you don’t think ropes and harnesses are goth, you cannot be saved.”
Saved from what? Sweat rash and chaffing? Eye-watering wedgies? Goths sticking their middle finger up? Woe is me.
This goth is an impressive height up the tree but it is clear that she received assistance. I’m all for laziness right now so I’m not going to deduct points for that. She’s looking surly and is sticking up her middle finger to show us how angst ridden she truly is, or something. It’s day time but she’s in the shade. Bonus points for effort and persistence with the multiple variations of the photo, and for the goth’s ability to wear a harness in a photo without it being the most unflattering photo in the world.
4.8 out of 5 - I’ll happily be saved from eye-watering harness wedgies
Jessica submitted this photo with the comment “The night was cold and dark. Almost as cold and dark as I am.”
If the night was as cold and dark as you say, mon amie gothique, then why do you have bare arms? It suggests to me that you’re not as cold at heart as you think you are. To be honest, most goths aren’t as cold at heart as they’d have you believe. Just show a goth a video of orphaned baby bats and watch what happens (I swear I retained my stony composure the entire length of each video *ahem*).
This goth is a decent height up the tree, it’s night time and she’s not smiling. Points deducted for the shitty photo quality. I’m not sure whether to add or deduct points for the red-eye laser stare so I’m not going to do anything.
4.6 out of 5 - Help! I’ve fallen into a baby bat video youtube loop and I can’t get out.
noisy-dreaming submitted this photo with the comment “Twinning in a tree, gothic lolita style.”
I think you’ll all agree that if you’re going to go down the twinning path then you may as well do it up a massive ancient tree dressed as gothic lolitas. I tried really hard to be a gothic lolita at one stage and I failed miserably. It’s probably due to having issues with excessive frills, a hatred of white stockings, and no friends who look even vaguely like me to twin with up a tree with *woe* um… *not really woe because I’m an individual, yo*
Lucky for these two ladies it appears that neither of them is afflicted by my myriad of gothic lolita preventing issues. They’re not smiling; they’re a decent height up an ancient, yet conveniently climbable, tree. One of them is looking at us in a questioning way as if she’s curious as to why we’re not wearing the same outfit. It’s daylight but they’re in the shade. Bonus points for twinning it, gothic lolita style.
4.4 out of 5 - On Wednesdays we dress like gothic lolitas.
sinister-death submitted this photo with the comment “Taking photos in a park? Why not climb up some trees?”
This goth has asked the questions that every serious goth should ask themselves when they find themselves in a park. The other serious questions they should ask themselves are: ‘Why didn’t I wear a panne velvet cape today?’, ‘Do my blacks match?’ and ‘Is it too early to be drunk?’. The question I asked myself in a park today was “what possessed you to wear double black velvet to work?” (it’s like double denim but more goth). Anyone with half a goth-brain knows that a velvet dress worn with a velvet coat will cause dress/coat friction-based rising resulting in an arse-displaying costume malfunction which you only discover halfway to work after walking along a major road for 15 minutes.
This goth looks like someone who knows that double velvet should never be attempted. She’s a medium height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she has done the right thing by taking advantage of the low UV levels of winter daylight. She’s wearing a practical yet stylish cool-weather outfit with maximum layers. Bonus points for having at least 3 chains on her person.
4.85 out of 5 - Avoid double velvet at all costs
teichpirat submitted this photo with the comment “This was taken at last year’s Wave-Gotik-Treffen in Leipzig,Germany, actually as a kind of tribute to Goths up trees… Here you have us 4 oldschool waver girls with crosses, pikes, leather jackets, … and a tree. It won’t get much better that this.”
Ladies, I appreciate your work immensely but I think it’s a bit rich to say that “it won’t get much better than this”. It could be night time, for example, all of you could be up a tree, in focus, and not smiling *ahem*
Despite these obvious faults, I like the symmetry our goths have achieved here. The supporting cast members on the ground are doing some fine work with their poses and outfits, perhaps even outshining the up-tree goths. The up-tree goths are a low height in the tree and one does appear to be smirking. Bonus points for the excellent outfits, photo composition and the Wave Gotik Treffen location.
3.8 out of 5 - I would hope that every climbable tree at Wave Gotik Treffen contains at least one goth.
Cinder submitted this photo with the comment “It’s so hard to find a good tree in Arizona. After all I don’t see “Goth’s up Cactus” is that even possible? Golden Valley, Arizona. Just outside Kingman.”
Goths up Cacti would definitely be attractive for the masochists amongst us and I have evidence that it is possible. For your consideration I present these dudes who managed to climb up a cactus while a helpful supporting cast member held off irritated officials who don’t seem to appreciate it when you climb protected species. Obviously, the guys up the cactus look more like hipsters searching for local boutique beer joint than goths, but we don’t really care about them, do we? No.
Our goth here has found herself a tree in a car park, which is not ideal but she’s working with the tree she’s been given. She’s nicely covered up from the sun’s rays, she’s a medium height up the tree, and she’s definitely not smiling. Bonus points for tree climbing against the odds.
4.6 out of 5 - If someone can find a cactus that will support their weight and that isn’t a protected species then they should get up it ASAP or just wrap it in a blanket and give it a hug
Paisley Wayward submitted this photo with no comment.
Here we have a goth with hippie tendencies (gippy? hoth? hipoth?) up a tree. She’s peering at the sky with a look of disdain, which is the way all goths should observe the sun, especially when one has tattoos because one does not want one’s tattoos to fade!
Our goth is not smiling and she’s mostly in the shade despite the daylight. I am unable to see her feet to get an accurate impression of her tree height, but I think I can deduce from her effort in the other areas that she is a low/medium height up the tree (however, I’m in the midst of a chocolate stupor so my judgement may be impaired). Bonus points for the excellent dreadies and pretty tattoos.
4 out of 5 - Happy zombie-alcohol-chocolate holiday to me. Oh, alright… and to you too, you needy bastards.
katmisfortune submitted this photo and one other with the comment
"This is me, up a tree in City Park. Please excuse the wretched sunlight, as it’s harder to get as far up in the darkness, we had to take the picture nearing sundown. I managed to stay in complete shade, thank goodness. (The [extra] picture is for reference as to how far up I had gotten into the tree…. Why they’re smiling, I haven’t a clue… Maybe it’s the adorable baby’s infectious smile)"
I appreciate it when goths go to the trouble to send me a context photo to ensure I don’t mark them low for tree height. They don’t just expect that I will trust them when they tell me things, which is good because I ain’t no fool; I just scored 100% on the Introduction to Work Health & Safety course that I was forced to complete at work. It had really difficult questions like “Why shouldn’t you drink alcohol at work?” and “Is it inappropriate to hang pictures of naked people in your cubicle?” That’s right, kids, contrary to what you might think with all the tree climbing shenanigans and clothing that impedes movement, goths can be workplace safety geniuses too.
It’s possible that this goth is also a work health and safety genius; she is mostly out of the sun and looks safe and secure high up her impressive tree. She’s not smiling and has an excellent haircut and casual goth outfit.
4.8 out of 5 - Don’t worry, I’m not going to start forcing goths to wear crash helmets up trees unless you can find me a stylish black one that doesn’t mess up my hair or makeup and looks fetching with a corset.
KLynn Horseman submitted this photo and two others with no comment.
This goth has chosen bizarre surroundings for her up-tree experience. It all looks a bit too nice with the manicured bushes and lawn. I can imagine that there’s a nice old lady wearing pearls and a pale pink twin-set just out of shot. Is our goth smiling because she juxtaposed a goffick with my idea of the suburban nightmare? I hope so.
She’s high up the tree and she’s in the shade but it is daylight and she’s smiling. It looks like she has a Misfits t-shirt on and she has cute hair, so bonus points there. Points deducted because of my irrational fear of manicured gardens and car parks.
3.8 out of 5 - Get out! Get out now!
Brydie & Emma submitted this photo with the comment:
"Local Goths spotted clinging to the only nature in sleepwalking distance from their lair in the dead cold heart of Wellington city, New zealand. These two dismal goths rarely seen surfaced in the light of dismay..I mean day, try and do their best to blend in with the tree, but fail miserably as their pale flesh illuninates from the dreaded overpowering fucking sun. But we got you.. you cant hide forever you wicked wicked things."
I think these are the first self-identifying New Zealander goths I’ve received and I’m impressed by their effort (despite the use of a shitty filter on the photo and the blatant bandanna situation). One has cunningly hidden her mouth to disguise any visible evidence of mirth. I appreciate the effortless-looking athletic yet elegant pose of the higher level goth. They’re a decent height up the tree. It’s day time and one is probably smiling but it’s hidden.
4 out of 5 - Good effort from our friends across the Tasman Sea.
OddJoNNY submitted this photo with the comment “Bubbles too!!!”
This is a bloody perky looking goth blowing bubbles up a tree. I suppose it’s pretty difficult to blow bubbles in a sombre manner. I would try myself, for research purposes, but all I have are bacon bubbles for blowing at your dog in the hope that they’ll pull a stupid face. Blowing bacon flavoured bubbles is probably going to make contemplating mortality fairly challenging. I’m willing to give it a go for science.
Our goth here is a good height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade, although it’s clearly day time. Bonus points for the excellent bubbles, the cute socks, sunnies, and the vamp fringe (oh, how I wish I could pull off a decent vamp fringe). Excellent work.
4.85 out of 5 - I just realised that the lyrics to ‘I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles’ are a bit depressing and goffick:
I’m forever blowing bubbles,
Pretty bubbles in the air.
They fly so high,
Nearly reach the sky,
Then like my dreams,
They fade and die.
Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”
This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position. Imitating a sloth is no excuse.
Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time. I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.
4.9 out of 5 - Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week. If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.
Sarah submitted this photo with the comment “Spooky kids work out too.”
I know it may be a shock to some non-goths but many goths work out. Yes, I know, you’ve probably never seen a goth on the squat rack at your local gym but we often choose different workout situations such as a few laps of the cemetery at dusk or, in my case, at a gym in a hospital conveniently placed next to the morgue.
This goth has an appropriately dark and stripey workout outfit on so bonus points there. However, I know you can buy black gym shoes so I question her dedication to being a true Sportsgoth™. At least her shoes aren’t white or fluro. She’s a good height up the tree and she looks relaxed after a hard gravestone hurdling session. She’s not smiling and she’s in a graveyard at dusk.
4.85 out of 5 - I’m feeling motivated for some Sportsgoth™ action at my gym/morgue right now.
Dorylini submitted this photo with the comment “it was raining, so we went to the graveyard, of course.”
My faith in the gothic subculture is being restored one goth up a tree (in a graveyard at night) at a time. This goth is showing particular dedication by enduring the elements to climb her tree (although apparently she chose the graveyard because it was raining, so is it dedication or a fondness for bark inflicted grazes?)
Bonus points for the tree height, the lack of smile, the black velvet dress, the boots, and the mid-climb action shot. The graveyard looks sufficiently eerie and this goth has made the up-tree experience look entirely natural.
5 out of 5 - Why aren’t there any graveyards around my town with decent trees? WHY?
Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “we went to a graveyard on a cold rainy evening, there’s no effect on the picture, the light was just weird colors. also possible ghost involvement.”
I find it difficult to be impressed these days due to the world being a constant source of disappointment to me, but this photo has genuinely impressed me. For the first time in at least a year I nearly cracked a smile. Not only is this goth up a tree in a cemetery but she’s there at night time, she’s not smiling and there’s eerie shit going on with the light. What can I say apart from 5 points, friends? NOTHING.
5 out of 5 - Nothing else matters.