terrestrial submitted this photo 3 times with different photo-shopped variations. This one had the the comment “twenty feet up in combat boots, red lace, black silk & lipstick darker than the empty cavern in my chest that once bore my heart. if you don’t think ropes and harnesses are goth, you cannot be saved.”
Saved from what? Sweat rash and chaffing? Eye-watering wedgies? Goths sticking their middle finger up? Woe is me.  
This goth is an impressive height up the tree but it is clear that she received assistance.  I’m all for laziness right now so I’m not going to deduct points for that.  She’s looking surly and is sticking up her middle finger to show us how angst ridden she truly is, or something.  It’s day time but she’s in the shade.  Bonus points for effort and persistence with the multiple variations of the photo, and for the goth’s ability to wear a harness in a photo without it being the most unflattering photo in the world.
4.8 out of 5 - I’ll happily be saved from eye-watering harness wedgies

submitted this photo 3 times with different photo-shopped variations. This one had the the comment “twenty feet up in combat boots, red lace, black silk & lipstick darker than the empty cavern in my chest that once bore my heart. if you don’t think ropes and harnesses are goth, you cannot be saved.”

Saved from what? Sweat rash and chaffing? Eye-watering wedgies? Goths sticking their middle finger up? Woe is me. 

This goth is an impressive height up the tree but it is clear that she received assistance.  I’m all for laziness right now so I’m not going to deduct points for that.  She’s looking surly and is sticking up her middle finger to show us how angst ridden she truly is, or something.  It’s day time but she’s in the shade.  Bonus points for effort and persistence with the multiple variations of the photo, and for the goth’s ability to wear a harness in a photo without it being the most unflattering photo in the world.

4.8 out of 5 - I’ll happily be saved from eye-watering harness wedgies

Lee submitted this photo with the comment “This is my Goth friend Dan climbing a tree after a couple beverages. This was the first time he’d smiled in years, I guess climbing trees had that sort of effect on Goths”
As a fellow drunken goth, I am fully aware of the difficulty in maintaining a straight face when attempting inebriated up-treeness.  However, some uber goths manage it.  “How?” I hear you ask. Sometimes it’s practice, sometimes their facial muscles have atrophied, sometimes it’s the PVC gently tugging at a single pube, but mostly it’s just sheer force of uberness that gets them through. This guy sadly isn’t afflicted by uberness.
It’s night time and he’s clearly on the move between pubs.  I’m getting a more ‘hipster who wears black’ feel to his outfit instead of outright gothness, so points deducted there.  He’s hanging at a low height and he’s smiling like there’s no goth reputation to uphold tomorrow.
2.4 out of 5 - I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time this guy has smiled in years.  He looks like a habitual smiler.

Lee submitted this photo with the comment “This is my Goth friend Dan climbing a tree after a couple beverages. This was the first time he’d smiled in years, I guess climbing trees had that sort of effect on Goths”

As a fellow drunken goth, I am fully aware of the difficulty in maintaining a straight face when attempting inebriated up-treeness.  However, some uber goths manage it.  “How?” I hear you ask. Sometimes it’s practice, sometimes their facial muscles have atrophied, sometimes it’s the PVC gently tugging at a single pube, but mostly it’s just sheer force of uberness that gets them through. This guy sadly isn’t afflicted by uberness.

It’s night time and he’s clearly on the move between pubs.  I’m getting a more ‘hipster who wears black’ feel to his outfit instead of outright gothness, so points deducted there.  He’s hanging at a low height and he’s smiling like there’s no goth reputation to uphold tomorrow.

2.4 out of 5 - I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time this guy has smiled in years.  He looks like a habitual smiler.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”
This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position.  Imitating a sloth is no excuse.
Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time.  I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.
4.9 out of 5 -  Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week.  If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”

This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position.  Imitating a sloth is no excuse.

Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time.  I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.

4.9 out of 5 -  Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week.  If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.

sniluminous submitted this photo with the comment “try to excuse my face I was not in a position where my neck seperates from it. I am short and had to get my male companion to help me into the tree, unfortunately he left me like this rather than getting me any further up.”
I think we can all agree that, despite the goth being low in the tree, this is an excellent photo.  She is hanging from the tree and, using my patented method for classifying goths hanging from trees, the position rates highly as you could easily photoshop two small goth giraffes in the place of the branches she’s hanging from. [Edit, my good friend Digi just photoshopped her in between the Two Headed Monster from Sesame Street!]  Bonus points for awesome hair, stripiness and boots. She’s out in the daylight but it’s clearly very cold.  There’s a hint of amusement there but she’s not smiling.
4.8 out of 5 - This is probably the best low-tree-height/best potential-for-giraffe-photoshopping photo I’ve been sent

sniluminous submitted this photo with the comment “try to excuse my face I was not in a position where my neck seperates from it. I am short and had to get my male companion to help me into the tree, unfortunately he left me like this rather than getting me any further up.”

I think we can all agree that, despite the goth being low in the tree, this is an excellent photo.  She is hanging from the tree and, using my patented method for classifying goths hanging from trees, the position rates highly as you could easily photoshop two small goth giraffes in the place of the branches she’s hanging from. [Edit, my good friend Digi just photoshopped her in between the Two Headed Monster from Sesame Street!]  Bonus points for awesome hair, stripiness and boots. She’s out in the daylight but it’s clearly very cold.  There’s a hint of amusement there but she’s not smiling.

4.8 out of 5 - This is probably the best low-tree-height/best potential-for-giraffe-photoshopping photo I’ve been sent

Brian John Mitchell from Remora showing his Goths Up Trees loving self.  I know it’s probably some eyeliner away from a perfect score….
Maaaaaate, while I heartily approve of your blatant promotion of the site/t-shirt and the effort you’ve gone to display your crotch high up a tree at night time while not smiling, if you love Goths Up Trees that much you would have known not to wear blue pants for fear of incurring my wrath!  At least they’re not denim, but REALLY!  I’m appalled.  This is my appalled face:  >;-{  HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?
4.85 out of 5 - It’s true, some eyeliner would have helped your cause but I just can’t bring myself to give you a perfect score because of your silly blue pants.  Try again and add more gothness.

Brian John Mitchell from Remora showing his Goths Up Trees loving self.  I know it’s probably some eyeliner away from a perfect score….

Maaaaaate, while I heartily approve of your blatant promotion of the site/t-shirt and the effort you’ve gone to display your crotch high up a tree at night time while not smiling, if you love Goths Up Trees that much you would have known not to wear blue pants for fear of incurring my wrath!  At least they’re not denim, but REALLY!  I’m appalled.  This is my appalled face:  >;-{  HAVE I TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?

4.85 out of 5 - It’s true, some eyeliner would have helped your cause but I just can’t bring myself to give you a perfect score because of your silly blue pants.  Try again and add more gothness.

goldstarhomo submitted this photo with the comment “This is a nice kid I recently started chatting with who lives in New Jersey.  I don’t have much back story on the photo but it looks like they were having quite a bit of fun!”
This goth is having so much fun that he’s about to lose his shirt.  That only happens to me in very special circumstances involving quite a bit of vodka, warm weather, a beach, a full moon, a bunch of tipsy goth lady friends yelling “FLASH AT THE MOON” at me.  Yeah.
Using my method for classifying goths hanging from trees, he’s pulled himself quite high off the ground and is hanging from his legs and one arm, which is great.  His hanging position and loss of shirt make the photo quite good for photoshopping purposes but I would have liked to see the whole goth in the shot, not just a cropped portion.  He’s smiling and he’s carelessly displaying his skin in full sun, so sunburn is inevitable.  Tut tut.
4 out of 5 - Points deducted for blatant skin exposure

goldstarhomo submitted this photo with the comment “This is a nice kid I recently started chatting with who lives in New Jersey.  I don’t have much back story on the photo but it looks like they were having quite a bit of fun!”

This goth is having so much fun that he’s about to lose his shirt.  That only happens to me in very special circumstances involving quite a bit of vodka, warm weather, a beach, a full moon, a bunch of tipsy goth lady friends yelling “FLASH AT THE MOON” at me.  Yeah.

Using my method for classifying goths hanging from trees, he’s pulled himself quite high off the ground and is hanging from his legs and one arm, which is great.  His hanging position and loss of shirt make the photo quite good for photoshopping purposes but I would have liked to see the whole goth in the shot, not just a cropped portion.  He’s smiling and he’s carelessly displaying his skin in full sun, so sunburn is inevitable.  Tut tut.

4 out of 5 - Points deducted for blatant skin exposure

Natalie S submitted this photo with the comment “If you can’t laugh at yourself… every time me and my friend go to a park, we climb trees and take pictures in them. I’m so glad there’s finally a place to put those pictures! I hope I embodied the goths up trees theme well! :P”
I’ve decided I’m going to classify tree-hangers in the following way: a) how far they’ve pulled themselves off the ground, and b) the position they’re in (aka, how well you could photoshop the goth for hilarious memes).  Based on that, I’d say she’s a low/medium height off the ground and the position is quite good, as you could easily photoshop a unicorn or My Little Pony in so she was sitting side-saddle.  
She’s looking very happy and the sun is out, which is unfortunate.  Her outfit is nicely goth-casual.
3.9 out of 5 - They see me hangin’, they hatin’

Natalie S submitted this photo with the comment “If you can’t laugh at yourself… every time me and my friend go to a park, we climb trees and take pictures in them. I’m so glad there’s finally a place to put those pictures! I hope I embodied the goths up trees theme well! :P”

I’ve decided I’m going to classify tree-hangers in the following way: a) how far they’ve pulled themselves off the ground, and b) the position they’re in (aka, how well you could photoshop the goth for hilarious memes).  Based on that, I’d say she’s a low/medium height off the ground and the position is quite good, as you could easily photoshop a unicorn or My Little Pony in so she was sitting side-saddle.  

She’s looking very happy and the sun is out, which is unfortunate.  Her outfit is nicely goth-casual.

3.9 out of 5 - They see me hangin’, they hatin’

windupfaerie submitted this photo with the comment “My friend told me I should submit this. =)”
Your friend was right! I like a photo of a goth hanging up a tree, especially if they’re trying to hold their skirt up for fear of excessive arse-exposure (arseposure!). She has rather fetching tights on so she shouldn’t really worry about excessive arseposure and it’s not like we can identify her face properly due to the angle, so I say let your arse be free and be done with it.
This goth does look to be smiling in an ‘omg are you taking a photo of my bum?’ type way, so I’ll forgive that. She’s a reasonable height up the tree.  It’s daylight but she’s in the shade.  Bonus points for fetching tights.
4.8 out of 5 - Modesty is overrated

windupfaerie submitted this photo with the comment “My friend told me I should submit this. =)”

Your friend was right! I like a photo of a goth hanging up a tree, especially if they’re trying to hold their skirt up for fear of excessive arse-exposure (arseposure!). She has rather fetching tights on so she shouldn’t really worry about excessive arseposure and it’s not like we can identify her face properly due to the angle, so I say let your arse be free and be done with it.

This goth does look to be smiling in an ‘omg are you taking a photo of my bum?’ type way, so I’ll forgive that. She’s a reasonable height up the tree.  It’s daylight but she’s in the shade.  Bonus points for fetching tights.

4.8 out of 5 - Modesty is overrated

Nick submitted this photo with the comment “Recently discovered the site, and immediately was enthralled. I popped my goth up a tree cherry with this one on the fly, improvised with a sharpie star on the eye.”
Nick’s explanation here makes it sound like he found this site and then jumped up a tree for a photo.  Now, friends, most of you will know that I only started this site in December last year… and this photo was taken in June 2009. See my dilemma? Is he lying?  I can’t even see this alleged star on his eye.  Is he talking about a different photo completely?  Is he a fucking time traveller? WHERE IS HIS DELOREAN?  SHOW ME YOUR POLICE BOX!  Why include the date and time at all?  YOU TRANSCEND SPACE AND TIME AND YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF EXIF DATA? 
Apart from the conflicting date/time data in front of us, this is not a bad photo.  This guy is doing his best attempt at looking alluring while hanging from a tree.  He’s a half decent height up the tree and he’s not smiling.  It’s a gloomy day but it is day light.
4.1 out of 5 - Time travelling up-tree goths should avoid printing date/time data on their photos.

Nick submitted this photo with the comment “Recently discovered the site, and immediately was enthralled. I popped my goth up a tree cherry with this one on the fly, improvised with a sharpie star on the eye.”

Nick’s explanation here makes it sound like he found this site and then jumped up a tree for a photo.  Now, friends, most of you will know that I only started this site in December last year… and this photo was taken in June 2009. See my dilemma? Is he lying?  I can’t even see this alleged star on his eye.  Is he talking about a different photo completely?  Is he a fucking time traveller? WHERE IS HIS DELOREAN?  SHOW ME YOUR POLICE BOX!  Why include the date and time at all?  YOU TRANSCEND SPACE AND TIME AND YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF EXIF DATA?

Apart from the conflicting date/time data in front of us, this is not a bad photo.  This guy is doing his best attempt at looking alluring while hanging from a tree.  He’s a half decent height up the tree and he’s not smiling.  It’s a gloomy day but it is day light.

4.1 out of 5 - Time travelling up-tree goths should avoid printing date/time data on their photos.

Leanne Laird submitted this photo with the comment “So does hanging off trees count? :p”
Hanging from trees certainly counts as up a tree, particularly if you’re quite high off the ground and appear to possess some kind of Goth Super Strength of Tree Hanging +10.  I’d say she was some kind of SportsGoth with that level of casual forearm hanging.
I’m loving the outfit: excellent New Rocks (you’ve made me want a pair in this style now, damnit), excellent long PVC skirt hemmed with lace and suggestive split, and a truly awesome velvet hooded cloak.  Man I want this whole outfit.. and the Goth Super Strength of Tree Hanging +10. She’s not smiling but it is daylight.  If you give me that cloak (or at least tell me where you got it) I’ll bump up your score a bit.
3.85 out of 5 - Points for sale, points for sale

Leanne Laird submitted this photo with the comment “So does hanging off trees count? :p”

Hanging from trees certainly counts as up a tree, particularly if you’re quite high off the ground and appear to possess some kind of Goth Super Strength of Tree Hanging +10.  I’d say she was some kind of SportsGoth with that level of casual forearm hanging.

I’m loving the outfit: excellent New Rocks (you’ve made me want a pair in this style now, damnit), excellent long PVC skirt hemmed with lace and suggestive split, and a truly awesome velvet hooded cloak.  Man I want this whole outfit.. and the Goth Super Strength of Tree Hanging +10. She’s not smiling but it is daylight.  If you give me that cloak (or at least tell me where you got it) I’ll bump up your score a bit.

3.85 out of 5 - Points for sale, points for sale

Ian submitted this photo with the comment “Due to the silhouette, it is impossible to judge if my clothes are goth enough for this photo to count as a goth up a tree. All I can give you is my word that I was entirely clad in black. Hopefully, the hair/coat length will count for something.”
Ian, old mate, your silhouette indicates a high level of gothness so no further proof is required. 
In this photo, Ian appears to be a Goth invoking his inner monkey by moonlight.  What better type of light to invoke your inner monkey than moonlight, I say.  It definitely makes for a striking photo.  He must have been hanging pretty still to get this shot (apart from his head which shows a bit of movement but Goth monkeys don’t stay still for long).  I can only guess that he’s not smiling - I’m picturing a kind of surprised face like this.  He looks like he’s dangling from a reasonable height up the tree and no one can argue that it’s not night-time. 
4.7 out of 5 - Invoke your inner Goth monkey by moonlight

Ian submitted this photo with the comment “Due to the silhouette, it is impossible to judge if my clothes are goth enough for this photo to count as a goth up a tree. All I can give you is my word that I was entirely clad in black. Hopefully, the hair/coat length will count for something.”

Ian, old mate, your silhouette indicates a high level of gothness so no further proof is required. 

In this photo, Ian appears to be a Goth invoking his inner monkey by moonlight.  What better type of light to invoke your inner monkey than moonlight, I say.  It definitely makes for a striking photo.  He must have been hanging pretty still to get this shot (apart from his head which shows a bit of movement but Goth monkeys don’t stay still for long).  I can only guess that he’s not smiling - I’m picturing a kind of surprised face like this.  He looks like he’s dangling from a reasonable height up the tree and no one can argue that it’s not night-time. 

4.7 out of 5 - Invoke your inner Goth monkey by moonlight

Somehow I lost the name of the charming person who submitted this photo and so I apologise to them profusely [edit: it was Carissa!] however I do have their comment which was “Denderfeliac Goth”.
So now we enter the realms of dendrophilia.  I knew it would come to this at some stage. You know, I think this Goth is just having fun swinging from a branch.  There’s nothing raunchy about it. If anything she’s too happy about the situation. Surely if she was a true dendrophiliac there would be some sort of grimace? I clearly don’t know a whole lot about what it’s like to be a dendrophiliac but perhaps that’s what I’ve been looking for.  ‘I have a bottle of vodka and the love of a beautiful tree. It’s a bit scratchy in parts, it houses 10 different species of spiders and there’s a possum who occasionally urinates on my face at night time but I’m happy’.  Nup, It’s never going to work for me.  I hate scratchy branches. No, that’s not a euphemism. *sigh*.
Anyway, this is definitely a pose we haven’t seen before.  This is clearly a Summertime Goth in some sort of lovely garden during the day time (it never ends).
4 out of 5 - Bonus points for suggestion of dendrophilia cancel out the daytime and smiling issues.

Somehow I lost the name of the charming person who submitted this photo and so I apologise to them profusely [edit: it was Carissa!] however I do have their comment which was “Denderfeliac Goth”.

So now we enter the realms of dendrophilia.  I knew it would come to this at some stage. You know, I think this Goth is just having fun swinging from a branch.  There’s nothing raunchy about it. If anything she’s too happy about the situation. Surely if she was a true dendrophiliac there would be some sort of grimace? I clearly don’t know a whole lot about what it’s like to be a dendrophiliac but perhaps that’s what I’ve been looking for.  ‘I have a bottle of vodka and the love of a beautiful tree. It’s a bit scratchy in parts, it houses 10 different species of spiders and there’s a possum who occasionally urinates on my face at night time but I’m happy’.  Nup, It’s never going to work for me.  I hate scratchy branches. No, that’s not a euphemism. *sigh*.

Anyway, this is definitely a pose we haven’t seen before.  This is clearly a Summertime Goth in some sort of lovely garden during the day time (it never ends).

4 out of 5 - Bonus points for suggestion of dendrophilia cancel out the daytime and smiling issues.