lovedeathdisco submitted this photo with the comment “this here tree, grew deliberately in this unconventional manner to uphold betwixt it’s limbs, a goth, in the ghastliest of fogs, beneath a dreary autumn’s eve rain, on the island that is newport, rhode island. [note: rhode island itself is not an island, but a state]. miseries, mate! #noedits #gothsuptrees #nohashtag”
This goth’s florid description of his photo has made my job a bit redundant.  Whatevs. He’s a low-medium height in the tree but it’s night time and he’s not smiling.  Bonus points for the foggy backdrop, excessive guy-liner and intense pose.  I would have appreciated slightly better lighting but you can’t win ‘em all.  Look: Orbs! Some unusual person once told me that the orbs in flash photos were the “souls of the dead”. Oh, how I laughed (without smiling, it’s a special skill).
4.98 out of 5 - There’s nothing more depressing than a redundant goth laughing without smiling about dust/water/pollen particles in flash photography.

submitted this photo with the comment “this here tree, grew deliberately in this unconventional manner to uphold betwixt it’s limbs, a goth, in the ghastliest of fogs, beneath a dreary autumn’s eve rain, on the island that is newport, rhode island. [note: rhode island itself is not an island, but a state]. miseries, mate! #noedits #gothsuptrees #nohashtag”

This goth’s florid description of his photo has made my job a bit redundant.  Whatevs. He’s a low-medium height in the tree but it’s night time and he’s not smiling.  Bonus points for the foggy backdrop, excessive guy-liner and intense pose.  I would have appreciated slightly better lighting but you can’t win ‘em all.  Look: Orbs! Some unusual person once told me that the orbs in flash photos were the “souls of the dead”. Oh, how I laughed (without smiling, it’s a special skill).

4.98 out of 5 - There’s nothing more depressing than a redundant goth laughing without smiling about dust/water/pollen particles in flash photography.

Jessica submitted this photo with the comment “The night was cold and dark. Almost as cold and dark as I am.”
If the night was as cold and dark as you say, mon amie gothique, then why do you have bare arms?  It suggests to me that you’re not as cold at heart as you think you are.  To be honest, most goths aren’t as cold at heart as they’d have you believe.  Just show a goth a video of orphaned baby bats and watch what happens (I swear I retained my stony composure the entire length of each video *ahem*).
This goth is a decent height up the tree, it’s night time and she’s not smiling.  Points deducted for the shitty photo quality.  I’m not sure whether to add or deduct points for the red-eye laser stare so I’m not going to do anything.
4.6 out of 5 - Help! I’ve fallen into a baby bat video youtube loop and I can’t get out.

Jessica submitted this photo with the comment “The night was cold and dark. Almost as cold and dark as I am.”

If the night was as cold and dark as you say, mon amie gothique, then why do you have bare arms?  It suggests to me that you’re not as cold at heart as you think you are.  To be honest, most goths aren’t as cold at heart as they’d have you believe.  Just show a goth a video of orphaned baby bats and watch what happens (I swear I retained my stony composure the entire length of each video *ahem*).

This goth is a decent height up the tree, it’s night time and she’s not smiling.  Points deducted for the shitty photo quality.  I’m not sure whether to add or deduct points for the red-eye laser stare so I’m not going to do anything.

4.6 out of 5 - Help! I’ve fallen into a baby bat video youtube loop and I can’t get out.

Dr C Sprocken submitted this photo with an accompanying short story:

I’m a self titled goth hunter. Every night I go out with hopes to capture eternally gorgeous images of goths in the wild. Lately, my work has been completely dead and not in a good way. As I went on a dismal walk during the last autumnal evening in Kansas City, I thought to myself that all the spookiness in this town must have been completely eradicated by the proliferation of readily available slurpee machines. Just as I was about to give up and go drool over latex unicorn man viral videos, I noticed something aglow high up in a tree. With my camera at the ready I crept close. The feeling that something special was about to unfold rattled deep in my bones. I lifted up a prickly branch, darted under, and snapped shots like crazy. I was blinded and two large somethings skittered past me like howler monkeys into the night! I laid writhing in a pile of tree needles for about an hour until I could see again. When I finally could, this photo was the only one that remained on my camera. I believe I have captured the rarest and greatest photo in the history of gothdom! The mere existence of gothic man booty already makes this an incredibly rare photo! However, this is clearly a moment captured during the ancient ritual summoning of The Great Lord Bootyzebub known to have once blessed a young Trent Reznor. Never before today has such a rare occurrence been documented and released to the public! May Bootyzebub rise again!

In summary: Night time? ✔ Height in tree: high Goth count: 2 Outfit rating: high Not smiling: ✔ Gothic arse-in-moonlight: ✔ My satisfaction level: through the canopy. Bonus points: excellent boots, mention of Trent Reznor’s arse (haha look at Trent’s arse in cut-offs.  I wonder if he’s a never-nude?)
5 out of 5 - Nothing beats a gothic arse-in-moonlight shot.

Dr C Sprocken submitted this photo with an accompanying short story:

I’m a self titled goth hunter. Every night I go out with hopes to capture eternally gorgeous images of goths in the wild. Lately, my work has been completely dead and not in a good way. As I went on a dismal walk during the last autumnal evening in Kansas City, I thought to myself that all the spookiness in this town must have been completely eradicated by the proliferation of readily available slurpee machines. Just as I was about to give up and go drool over latex unicorn man viral videos, I noticed something aglow high up in a tree. With my camera at the ready I crept close. The feeling that something special was about to unfold rattled deep in my bones. I lifted up a prickly branch, darted under, and snapped shots like crazy. I was blinded and two large somethings skittered past me like howler monkeys into the night! I laid writhing in a pile of tree needles for about an hour until I could see again. When I finally could, this photo was the only one that remained on my camera. I believe I have captured the rarest and greatest photo in the history of gothdom! The mere existence of gothic man booty already makes this an incredibly rare photo! However, this is clearly a moment captured during the ancient ritual summoning of The Great Lord Bootyzebub known to have once blessed a young Trent Reznor. Never before today has such a rare occurrence been documented and released to the public! May Bootyzebub rise again!

In summary:
Night time?
Height in tree: high
Goth count: 2 
Outfit rating: high
Not smiling:
Gothic arse-in-moonlight:
My satisfaction level: through the canopy.
Bonus points: excellent boots, mention of Trent Reznor’s arse (haha look at Trent’s arse in cut-offs.  I wonder if he’s a never-nude?)


5 out of 5 - Nothing beats a gothic arse-in-moonlight shot.

mostfacinorous submitted this photo with the comment “Everyone we know has been very carefully avoiding being found in the compromising position of being both goth and in a tree ever since we learned of the existence of gothsuptrees. But one of us was bound to slip up eventually. Fair is fair, though, and so up it goes.”
This goth has found himself a comfortable spot to tweet about how alone he is as the only individual at a party full of god-damned hipsters #treegoth #someoneturnoffthecrystalcastles #waitingfordeath #lostmyglove #nofilter
There are many elements of this photo that I like; it’s night time, our goth is not smiling, he’s in a fairy-light laden tree, he’s partaking in an alcoholic beverage, and he couldn’t be bothered to put down his bloody phone. I’m concerned about our goth’s height in the tree, so I’m going to deduct points for that (unless I receive proof that he is properly in the tree).
4.8 out of 5 - Another goth succumbing to the inevitable and tweeting about it

submitted this photo with the comment “Everyone we know has been very carefully avoiding being found in the compromising position of being both goth and in a tree ever since we learned of the existence of gothsuptrees. But one of us was bound to slip up eventually. Fair is fair, though, and so up it goes.”

This goth has found himself a comfortable spot to tweet about how alone he is as the only individual at a party full of god-damned hipsters #treegoth #someoneturnoffthecrystalcastles #waitingfordeath #lostmyglove #nofilter

There are many elements of this photo that I like; it’s night time, our goth is not smiling, he’s in a fairy-light laden tree, he’s partaking in an alcoholic beverage, and he couldn’t be bothered to put down his bloody phone. I’m concerned about our goth’s height in the tree, so I’m going to deduct points for that (unless I receive proof that he is properly in the tree).

4.8 out of 5 - Another goth succumbing to the inevitable and tweeting about it

MistressGothburger666 submitted this photo with the comment “8 Goths up a tree with 1 pug at night time.  In your face”.
There you have it, friends, 8 goths up a tree at night time with 1 pug supporting cast member in our collective faces.  None of the goths are smiling and two of them are too reclusive to even face the camera. There seems to be a bit of skin showing there but no one’s ever been tanned by moonlight as far as I know.   Bonus points for the New Rocks, supporting pug, the sheer number of goths and the creative use of mobile phones for lighting purposes.  I imagine a fair bit of phone battery was expended for this shot but I think it’s worth it.   I just hope they had some battery left to tweet about how they have run out of battery from posing up trees.   Excellent job, goths.  I wish to be friends with the likes of you.  
5 out of 5 - 8 goths up one tree + 1 pug IN OUR FACES.

MistressGothburger666 submitted this photo with the comment “8 Goths up a tree with 1 pug at night time.  In your face”.

There you have it, friends, 8 goths up a tree at night time with 1 pug supporting cast member in our collective faces.  None of the goths are smiling and two of them are too reclusive to even face the camera. There seems to be a bit of skin showing there but no one’s ever been tanned by moonlight as far as I know.   Bonus points for the New Rocks, supporting pug, the sheer number of goths and the creative use of mobile phones for lighting purposes.  I imagine a fair bit of phone battery was expended for this shot but I think it’s worth it.   I just hope they had some battery left to tweet about how they have run out of battery from posing up trees.   Excellent job, goths.  I wish to be friends with the likes of you. 

5 out of 5 - 8 goths up one tree + 1 pug IN OUR FACES.

Lee submitted this photo with the comment “This is my Goth friend Dan climbing a tree after a couple beverages. This was the first time he’d smiled in years, I guess climbing trees had that sort of effect on Goths”
As a fellow drunken goth, I am fully aware of the difficulty in maintaining a straight face when attempting inebriated up-treeness.  However, some uber goths manage it.  “How?” I hear you ask. Sometimes it’s practice, sometimes their facial muscles have atrophied, sometimes it’s the PVC gently tugging at a single pube, but mostly it’s just sheer force of uberness that gets them through. This guy sadly isn’t afflicted by uberness.
It’s night time and he’s clearly on the move between pubs.  I’m getting a more ‘hipster who wears black’ feel to his outfit instead of outright gothness, so points deducted there.  He’s hanging at a low height and he’s smiling like there’s no goth reputation to uphold tomorrow.
2.4 out of 5 - I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time this guy has smiled in years.  He looks like a habitual smiler.

Lee submitted this photo with the comment “This is my Goth friend Dan climbing a tree after a couple beverages. This was the first time he’d smiled in years, I guess climbing trees had that sort of effect on Goths”

As a fellow drunken goth, I am fully aware of the difficulty in maintaining a straight face when attempting inebriated up-treeness.  However, some uber goths manage it.  “How?” I hear you ask. Sometimes it’s practice, sometimes their facial muscles have atrophied, sometimes it’s the PVC gently tugging at a single pube, but mostly it’s just sheer force of uberness that gets them through. This guy sadly isn’t afflicted by uberness.

It’s night time and he’s clearly on the move between pubs.  I’m getting a more ‘hipster who wears black’ feel to his outfit instead of outright gothness, so points deducted there.  He’s hanging at a low height and he’s smiling like there’s no goth reputation to uphold tomorrow.

2.4 out of 5 - I don’t believe for a second that this is the first time this guy has smiled in years.  He looks like a habitual smiler.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”
This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position.  Imitating a sloth is no excuse.
Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time.  I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.
4.9 out of 5 -  Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week.  If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “goth sloth.”

This photo had the makings of something truly beautiful but we’ve been let down, yet again, by the subject goth’s inability to control their facial muscles. I have a vast experience of hanging upside-down so I KNOW that you can stop yourself from smiling from this particular position.  Imitating a sloth is no excuse.

Despite the lack of control over the facial expression, the goth IS a medium height up the tree, they’re in a graveyard and it is definitely night time.  I’m impressed but it could have been so much more.

4.9 out of 5 -  Just remember that sloths only relieve themselves once a week.  If you’re trying to channel a sloth but in a goth fashion just think of how happy would you be if you only relieved yourself once a week and then represent that in a facial expression.

Dorylini submitted this photo with the comment “it was raining, so we went to the graveyard, of course.”
My faith in the gothic subculture is being restored one goth up a tree (in a graveyard at night) at a time. This goth is showing particular dedication by enduring the elements to climb her tree (although apparently she chose the graveyard because it was raining, so is it dedication or a fondness for bark inflicted grazes?)   
Bonus points for the tree height, the lack of smile, the black velvet dress, the boots, and the mid-climb action shot.  The graveyard looks sufficiently eerie and this goth has made the up-tree experience look entirely natural.  
5 out of 5 - Why aren’t there any graveyards around my town with decent trees? WHY?

Dorylini submitted this photo with the comment “it was raining, so we went to the graveyard, of course.”

My faith in the gothic subculture is being restored one goth up a tree (in a graveyard at night) at a time. This goth is showing particular dedication by enduring the elements to climb her tree (although apparently she chose the graveyard because it was raining, so is it dedication or a fondness for bark inflicted grazes?)   

Bonus points for the tree height, the lack of smile, the black velvet dress, the boots, and the mid-climb action shot.  The graveyard looks sufficiently eerie and this goth has made the up-tree experience look entirely natural.  

5 out of 5 - Why aren’t there any graveyards around my town with decent trees? WHY?

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “we went to a graveyard on a cold rainy evening, there’s no effect on the picture, the light was just weird colors. also possible ghost involvement.”
I find it difficult to be impressed these days due to the world being a constant source of disappointment to me, but this photo has genuinely impressed me.  For the first time in at least a year I nearly cracked a smile.  Not only is this goth up a tree in a cemetery but she’s there at night time, she’s not smiling and there’s eerie shit going on with the light. What can I say apart from 5 points, friends?  NOTHING.
5 out of 5 - Nothing else matters.

Margaret submitted this photo with the comment “we went to a graveyard on a cold rainy evening, there’s no effect on the picture, the light was just weird colors. also possible ghost involvement.”

I find it difficult to be impressed these days due to the world being a constant source of disappointment to me, but this photo has genuinely impressed me.  For the first time in at least a year I nearly cracked a smile.  Not only is this goth up a tree in a cemetery but she’s there at night time, she’s not smiling and there’s eerie shit going on with the light. What can I say apart from 5 points, friends?  NOTHING.

5 out of 5 - Nothing else matters.

madfishmonger submitted this photo with the comment “After the Grand and Gothic Ball, we went to the nearby graveyard and took some photos. My friend kept making me laugh, but I am trying to look gloomy; I didn’t want to lose points for smiling.”
What kind of friend tries to make a fellow goth smile whilst she’s up a tree and has all the elements of a 5 star photo going for her?  An inconsiderate friend who should probably be struck from the friends-list!  This goth isn’t strictly smiling but she does look amused.  She’s in a commanding pose and is well dressed for a Ball.  I particularly like the self-stripe theme to her outfit.  She’s high up the tree and it’s night time.  Top work.
4.98 out of 5 - Reassess friendships with sabotaging goths

madfishmonger submitted this photo with the comment “After the Grand and Gothic Ball, we went to the nearby graveyard and took some photos. My friend kept making me laugh, but I am trying to look gloomy; I didn’t want to lose points for smiling.”

What kind of friend tries to make a fellow goth smile whilst she’s up a tree and has all the elements of a 5 star photo going for her?  An inconsiderate friend who should probably be struck from the friends-list!  This goth isn’t strictly smiling but she does look amused.  She’s in a commanding pose and is well dressed for a Ball.  I particularly like the self-stripe theme to her outfit.  She’s high up the tree and it’s night time.  Top work.

4.98 out of 5 - Reassess friendships with sabotaging goths

kitty-katya submitted this photo with the comment “Here’s me at the uni ball last night after a little too much red wine. What you can’t see is this is in the cloisters of an old monastery.”
It’s true, I can’t see cloisters of an old monastery.  I also can’t see an unsmiling goth, a goth high up a tree, fairies, a bottle of absinthe, a plate of fish and chips, or a cemetery,   I would like to see all of those things right now.  However, I can see a lush goth (or a goth lush?) draped over a sparkly fairy-light laden tree.  Yes, she looks to have a smile on her face, but it’s the smile of the pleasantly drunk, so I’ll allow it. She hasn’t made much effort height-wise but there is always the chance of electrocution with fairy lights and no one likes to smell a crispy drunk goth (it’s all vinegar, patchouli, and chicken).  Nice boots, dress and mask.  Pity about the blurriness but bonus points for the night shot.
4.7 out of 5 - I’ve tried to pose drunk up a tree without smiling and even I struggle.

kitty-katya submitted this photo with the comment “Here’s me at the uni ball last night after a little too much red wine. What you can’t see is this is in the cloisters of an old monastery.”

It’s true, I can’t see cloisters of an old monastery.  I also can’t see an unsmiling goth, a goth high up a tree, fairies, a bottle of absinthe, a plate of fish and chips, or a cemetery,   I would like to see all of those things right now.  However, I can see a lush goth (or a goth lush?) draped over a sparkly fairy-light laden tree.  Yes, she looks to have a smile on her face, but it’s the smile of the pleasantly drunk, so I’ll allow it. She hasn’t made much effort height-wise but there is always the chance of electrocution with fairy lights and no one likes to smell a crispy drunk goth (it’s all vinegar, patchouli, and chicken).  Nice boots, dress and mask.  Pity about the blurriness but bonus points for the night shot.

4.7 out of 5 - I’ve tried to pose drunk up a tree without smiling and even I struggle.

Iana submitted this photo and two others with the comment:

Got drunk at a camping wedding and did not want to waste the opportunity to be up wild trees (as opposed to urban trees). I am attaching three incase you have a preference for one over the others. It was very dark, so I could not see wtf I was doing until she took the pictures. The first one is mid-climbing into the tree, the second one is the official “goth up a tree” take, and the third is not being able to figure out how to get down, properly stuck for moment, its so sad!

I found it difficult to choose the primary photo out of the three Iana sent me because the other two certainly have their charms. I chose this one because our goth isn’t smiling, she looks a tiny bit seedy (as one would when drunk at a camping wedding), and I like the mid-climb action shot.   She’s clearly a resourceful goth as she has found a chair to get a boost up into the tree to a decent height.  Bonus points for the night time shot, the goth’s very pretty hair colour and my favourite style combination of lacy/frilliness and stompy boots. 
5 out of 5 - Chairs don’t seem to help much when climbing out of a tree when drunk.

Iana submitted this photo and two others with the comment:

Got drunk at a camping wedding and did not want to waste the opportunity to be up wild trees (as opposed to urban trees). I am attaching three incase you have a preference for one over the others. It was very dark, so I could not see wtf I was doing until she took the pictures. The first one is mid-climbing into the tree, the second one is the official “goth up a tree” take, and the third is not being able to figure out how to get down, properly stuck for moment, its so sad!

I found it difficult to choose the primary photo out of the three Iana sent me because the other two certainly have their charms. I chose this one because our goth isn’t smiling, she looks a tiny bit seedy (as one would when drunk at a camping wedding), and I like the mid-climb action shot.   She’s clearly a resourceful goth as she has found a chair to get a boost up into the tree to a decent height.  Bonus points for the night time shot, the goth’s very pretty hair colour and my favourite style combination of lacy/frilliness and stompy boots.

5 out of 5 - Chairs don’t seem to help much when climbing out of a tree when drunk.

ethan submitted this photo with no comment.
Clearly, no comment was required for this photo. No decent flash was required either, apparently, because we can see all we need to see;
a surly goth boy,
up a tree,
at a decent height,
AT NIGHT TIME. 
He has just enough light to reflect off his pale skin and his tapetum lucidum (don’t say I don’t teach you stuff). Bonus points for the vaguely black metal pose.
5 out of 5 - Yes.

ethan submitted this photo with no comment.

Clearly, no comment was required for this photo. No decent flash was required either, apparently, because we can see all we need to see;

  • a surly goth boy,
  • up a tree,
  • at a decent height,
  • AT NIGHT TIME. 

He has just enough light to reflect off his pale skin and his tapetum lucidum (don’t say I don’t teach you stuff). Bonus points for the vaguely black metal pose.

5 out of 5 - Yes.

Snarf Elin Lind from Barcelona submitted this photo and two others with the comment “Hi, I hope you will like our photos from a nightly tree climbing excursion.”
Looking at all three photos submitted, you tell that these ladies whole-heartedly embraced their up-tree experience.  They were certainly flinging their skirts around with gay abandon.  I suspect that they may have dressed up for the occasion, but they’ve done well with their monochromatic colour palette, paled up faces and some nice stompy boots.  
The lady in the primary photo has done well with extreme tree height and she’s showing us a bit o’ leg.   She’s not smiling and it’s night time.  I have qualms about the limited black in the outfit, but it’s monochromatic and they seem like they’ve had a jolly good, skirt swishing time, so I’m going to ignore it as best I can.
4.95 out of 5 - I feel like I’m missing something here.

Snarf Elin Lind from Barcelona submitted this photo and two others with the comment “Hi, I hope you will like our photos from a nightly tree climbing excursion.”

Looking at all three photos submitted, you tell that these ladies whole-heartedly embraced their up-tree experience.  They were certainly flinging their skirts around with gay abandon.  I suspect that they may have dressed up for the occasion, but they’ve done well with their monochromatic colour palette, paled up faces and some nice stompy boots.  

The lady in the primary photo has done well with extreme tree height and she’s showing us a bit o’ leg.   She’s not smiling and it’s night time.  I have qualms about the limited black in the outfit, but it’s monochromatic and they seem like they’ve had a jolly good, skirt swishing time, so I’m going to ignore it as best I can.

4.95 out of 5 - I feel like I’m missing something here.

Inquisitor submitted this photo with the comment “Here you see my friend Porange. I was taking perfectly sensible photos of her one night, when a bystander said “Goths up trees!” I, knowing little of the ways of the world, replied “That’s a thing?” Next I knew, we were bound for pastures arboreal… Enjoy.”
To the helpful bystander who made this photo happen, I salute you.  This is an excellent night shot of a paled up lady bedecked in black and white.  Our goth is high up the tree and she’s not smiling.  She looks comfortable in her up-tree pose as if she’s waiting for something. Bonus points for perfect face angling.
5 out of 5 -  If you’re going to yell “goths up trees” at goths, please make sure:a) that the people you’re yelling at are actually goths (and not metallers or hardcore/scene/emo/punk kids or individuals who just love wearing black and don’t identify with any subculture thankyouverymuch),b) that they’re having a photoshoot near a tree, andc) you’re prepared for disdainful looks and eye-rolling if they’re not in a frisky mood.

Inquisitor submitted this photo with the comment “Here you see my friend Porange. I was taking perfectly sensible photos of her one night, when a bystander said “Goths up trees!” I, knowing little of the ways of the world, replied “That’s a thing?” Next I knew, we were bound for pastures arboreal… Enjoy.”

To the helpful bystander who made this photo happen, I salute you.  This is an excellent night shot of a paled up lady bedecked in black and white.  Our goth is high up the tree and she’s not smiling.  She looks comfortable in her up-tree pose as if she’s waiting for something. Bonus points for perfect face angling.

5 out of 5 -  If you’re going to yell “goths up trees” at goths, please make sure:
a) that the people you’re yelling at are actually goths (and not metallers or hardcore/scene/emo/punk kids or individuals who just love wearing black and don’t identify with any subculture thankyouverymuch),
b) that they’re having a photoshoot near a tree, and
c) you’re prepared for disdainful looks and eye-rolling if they’re not in a frisky mood.