Machka submitted this photo with the comment “Taken at a birthday party in the Roma Street Parklands, Brisbane. Coincidentally, we found out there was a large goth picnic adjoining. I scrambled up to observe from on high and when my friend came over I whispered ‘Goths up trees!’”
I love a gothic picnic. It’s a fine opportunity to dress up and engage in unspoken uber-ness competitions such as ‘Who has the best/biggest parasol?’, ‘Who has the most ornate, impractical picnic-ware?’, ‘Who can eat the most cheese in one sitting and still keep their corset on?’, ‘Who has the most annoying goth dog?’, and, my personal favourite, ‘Who can drink the most absinthe without falling asleep?’ (me - hahah suckers).
Our goth here is one of my fellow country-people so bonus points for ‘strayan gofficks. She’s a good height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she’s in the shade. I have concerns about her footwear choice. Dunlop Volleys with fishnets and a beaded shawl is definitely a unique look. Not one I’d go for, personally, but it is very practical for tree climbing and stumbling home from a gothic picnic.
4.7 out of 5 - Anyone fancy a goth picnic (aka an absinthe drinking competition)?
Anna V submitted this photo with no comment.
Here we have 3 lovely goffick ladies up a tree. They’ve employed the old ‘make the photo black and white to detract from the obvious bright daylight’ trick. Honestly, I’d prefer that goths made their photos black and white instead of submitting shameless photos of their daylight frolicking.
These three are of varying heights up the tree, which is pleasing to the eye. None of them are smiling. I appreciate the different poses and facial angles they’ve gone for and the movement in the long skirt. It’s obviously daylight but at least their heads are shielded from the sun’s rays. At the end of the day (when goths should be out frolicking), your arms and legs really need to be shielded from the sun too. They’ll regret it when they’re sun-spotted eldergoths.
4.8 out of 5 - I don’t know - Babygoths these days and their shameless daylight frolics. *le sigh*.
Dave submitted this photo and one other with the comment
I am attaching a couple of photos, one is a dodgy looking group of Goths. Why are we inside and why don`t we have a proper tree I hear you asking ? Well thats because we are deep inside Antarctica at a British base called Rothera. O.K. so we have to manufacture our own trees but at least now , in the winter , we NEVER see the sun. I`ll send another one from the day we finally saw the last of the pesky sun. Love Dave
I actually laughed out loud when I opened the email containing this submission and I woke the dog up (no, that’s not a euphemism, the grumpy old pug scowled at me with typical goth-pug levels of scorn - I’ve trained her well).
The effort these Antarctic-dwelling goths have gone to is truly outstanding. They’re an example to all goths who think that just because you live somewhere with extreme temperatures and limited vegetation, let alone trees, you can’t get together for an up/around/vaguely near a tree photo now and then. It looks like there are only 3 goths up the tree, but the supporting cast are plentiful, of a high calibre and none of the goths are smiling (there’s guy there who is smiling but he’s clearly not a goth so I’m going to ignore him). They’ve even fashioned a headstone for in-cemetery points. The sun is never out in winter in Antarctica, which is clearly the perfect environment for goths. I’m very impressed. I nearly cracked a smile during my initial outburst of laughter but I have mastered the art of laughing without smiling.
4.99 out of 5 - Outstanding Antarctic goths
lovedeathdisco submitted this photo with the comment “this here tree, grew deliberately in this unconventional manner to uphold betwixt it’s limbs, a goth, in the ghastliest of fogs, beneath a dreary autumn’s eve rain, on the island that is newport, rhode island. [note: rhode island itself is not an island, but a state]. miseries, mate! #noedits #gothsuptrees #nohashtag”
This goth’s florid description of his photo has made my job a bit redundant. Whatevs. He’s a low-medium height in the tree but it’s night time and he’s not smiling. Bonus points for the foggy backdrop, excessive guy-liner and intense pose. I would have appreciated slightly better lighting but you can’t win ‘em all. Look: Orbs! Some unusual person once told me that the orbs in flash photos were the “souls of the dead”. Oh, how I laughed (without smiling, it’s a special skill).
4.98 out of 5 - There’s nothing more depressing than a redundant goth laughing without smiling about dust/water/pollen particles in flash photography.
thorapittsburgh submitted this photo and one other with the comment “This is a picture of my sister and me in Indian Hill Cemetery in Middletown, Connecticut. The tree stands nearly atop the hillside mausoleum of Thomas Dent Mutter, whom we were visiting on account of our being very pro the Mutter Museum, his ubergoth collection of antique anatomical specimens. Sorry about the sunlight, but maybe photographic evidence of goth siblings makes up for it. If it helps I can send you some pictures of syphilitic skulls I snuck last time my sister and I were at the Mutter together.”
Ahhh, goth siblings up a tree in a cemetery near the Mutter Museum. It thaws the heart a little, doesn’t it? I am also very pro the Mutter Museum and perhaps I’ll go with my uber goth siblings one day (no joke, both of my siblings are also gofficks - see here and here). ’Is goffickness contagious or hereditary?’ I hear you ask. In my experience it is highly contagious among sibling groups, just like chickenpox or nits.
Our goth siblings here are a good height up a particularly attractive tree amidst a lovely set of gravestones and monuments. They’re not smiling but it is daylight. The provision of illegal photos of syphilitic skulls would indeed make up for the unfortunate sun situation. Bonus points for the additional goths up Mutter Museum photo.
4.9 out of 5 - Goffick siblings are the best because you can always borrow their eyeliner and nail polish and they drink the same amount as you.
plasmicoceans submitted this with the comment “winslow, shortly before we got vaguely lost in doodletown. bear mountain, ny.”
I know I should be focusing on the goth up the tree but I’m having trouble getting past the adult-movie-esque concept of being “vaguely lost in doodletown”. Goths Vaguely Lost in Doodletown. I’d watch it twice!
Anyway, look at the excellent height this goth has achieved. They’re not smiling, they’re straddling those branches like they’re about to be vaguely lost in doodletown, and their skin is well covered despite being exposed to direct sun.
4.8 out of 5 - Prepare to be vaguely lost in doodletown by climbing up a tree as high as you can.
Dravenraven submitted this photo with the comment “Where there’s a will, There’s a way. Got up there.”
Look at that, friends: this well-dressed eldergoth fought against the odds and climbed a slippery, moss covered tree despite likely arthritis in the knees from excessive goth dancing and dementia from excessive drug and alcohol use. This goth is proof that we can age gracefully and still climb trees in our elder years. That’s unless he’s actually 24…
Our eldergoth is out in daylight but he’s definitely in the shade. I can’t see how high he is up the tree but let’s go with low/medium. He looks a bit happy here but he did achieve a great thing for eldergothdom so I’m going to be lenient. I appreciate that this goth has also resisted sub-cultural pressure and has refused to dye his hair black. Go you good thing.
4.7 out of 5 - Giving hope to aging goths.
skizzyraremens submitted this photo with the comment “A little more traditional style goth in a tree picture, the last one i submitted a few years ago i was utilizing my super goth powers and hanging by one elbow off a tree branch. Decided to go for a more ‘Kara’ than ‘Supergirl’ goth up tree picture this time.”
I had to look up who Kara was because I’m not well versed in the ways of super heroes. Does that make me more or less goth? Why am I asking you?
This goth is displaying her less hardcore, arms of steel, boots of doom alter ego here. This alter ego has an outfit of uber prettiness, stomach of steel (boned corset), and a gaze of ice. She’s a good height in the tree, she’s not smiling, and she’s mostly in the shade. The trees minus their leaves are most picturesque. Good.
4.85 out of 5 - Kara is Supergirl’s alter ego, like, duh. *ahem*
terrestrial submitted this photo 3 times with different photo-shopped variations. This one had the the comment “twenty feet up in combat boots, red lace, black silk & lipstick darker than the empty cavern in my chest that once bore my heart. if you don’t think ropes and harnesses are goth, you cannot be saved.”
Saved from what? Sweat rash and chaffing? Eye-watering wedgies? Goths sticking their middle finger up? Woe is me.
This goth is an impressive height up the tree but it is clear that she received assistance. I’m all for laziness right now so I’m not going to deduct points for that. She’s looking surly and is sticking up her middle finger to show us how angst ridden she truly is, or something. It’s day time but she’s in the shade. Bonus points for effort and persistence with the multiple variations of the photo, and for the goth’s ability to wear a harness in a photo without it being the most unflattering photo in the world.
4.8 out of 5 - I’ll happily be saved from eye-watering harness wedgies
drewcifercdxx submitted this photo with the comment “I’m somewhat of an elder goth, as evidenced by my Robert Smith shirt. I’m up a dogwood, in an old cemetery. It was the middle of the day, that’s why I had it shot in black and white.”
At what age do you become an eldergoth, do you suppose? When I was a youngin’ I used to call anyone over 30 a “SOG” (sad old goth) but now I’m past that point I don’t know when the ‘elder’ bit starts. I don’t know if I want to be an eldergoth anyway. It sounds like I should be shaking my fist at the kiddiegoths and telling them to get out of my cemetery/dancefloor/black section at the op-shop… wait…
I like this goth’s honestly; he has embraced his eldergoth-ness and is celebrating it, and he admits that he has intentionally made the photo black and white due to the day time shot. He is a decent height in the tree, he’s not smiling, and he’s in a cemetery. Bonus points for the giant head of Robert Smith on his shirt and for just being honest about things. Refreshing.
4.7 out of 5 - I must be turning into an eldergoth if I find honesty exciting. When I swap the vodka for tea you’ll know things have really gone to shit.
Jessica submitted this photo with the comment “The night was cold and dark. Almost as cold and dark as I am.”
If the night was as cold and dark as you say, mon amie gothique, then why do you have bare arms? It suggests to me that you’re not as cold at heart as you think you are. To be honest, most goths aren’t as cold at heart as they’d have you believe. Just show a goth a video of orphaned baby bats and watch what happens (I swear I retained my stony composure the entire length of each video *ahem*).
This goth is a decent height up the tree, it’s night time and she’s not smiling. Points deducted for the shitty photo quality. I’m not sure whether to add or deduct points for the red-eye laser stare so I’m not going to do anything.
4.6 out of 5 - Help! I’ve fallen into a baby bat video youtube loop and I can’t get out.
Dr C Sprocken submitted this photo with an accompanying short story:
I’m a self titled goth hunter. Every night I go out with hopes to capture eternally gorgeous images of goths in the wild. Lately, my work has been completely dead and not in a good way. As I went on a dismal walk during the last autumnal evening in Kansas City, I thought to myself that all the spookiness in this town must have been completely eradicated by the proliferation of readily available slurpee machines. Just as I was about to give up and go drool over latex unicorn man viral videos, I noticed something aglow high up in a tree. With my camera at the ready I crept close. The feeling that something special was about to unfold rattled deep in my bones. I lifted up a prickly branch, darted under, and snapped shots like crazy. I was blinded and two large somethings skittered past me like howler monkeys into the night! I laid writhing in a pile of tree needles for about an hour until I could see again. When I finally could, this photo was the only one that remained on my camera. I believe I have captured the rarest and greatest photo in the history of gothdom! The mere existence of gothic man booty already makes this an incredibly rare photo! However, this is clearly a moment captured during the ancient ritual summoning of The Great Lord Bootyzebub known to have once blessed a young Trent Reznor. Never before today has such a rare occurrence been documented and released to the public! May Bootyzebub rise again!
Night time? ✔
Height in tree: high
Goth count: 2
Outfit rating: high
Not smiling: ✔
Gothic arse-in-moonlight: ✔
My satisfaction level: through the canopy.
Bonus points: excellent boots, mention of Trent Reznor’s arse (haha look at Trent’s arse in cut-offs. I wonder if he’s a never-nude?)
5 out of 5 - Nothing beats a gothic arse-in-moonlight shot.
noisy-dreaming submitted this photo with the comment “Twinning in a tree, gothic lolita style.”
I think you’ll all agree that if you’re going to go down the twinning path then you may as well do it up a massive ancient tree dressed as gothic lolitas. I tried really hard to be a gothic lolita at one stage and I failed miserably. It’s probably due to having issues with excessive frills, a hatred of white stockings, and no friends who look even vaguely like me to twin with up a tree with *woe* um… *not really woe because I’m an individual, yo*
Lucky for these two ladies it appears that neither of them is afflicted by my myriad of gothic lolita preventing issues. They’re not smiling; they’re a decent height up an ancient, yet conveniently climbable, tree. One of them is looking at us in a questioning way as if she’s curious as to why we’re not wearing the same outfit. It’s daylight but they’re in the shade. Bonus points for twinning it, gothic lolita style.
4.4 out of 5 - On Wednesdays we dress like gothic lolitas.
mostfacinorous submitted this photo with the comment “Everyone we know has been very carefully avoiding being found in the compromising position of being both goth and in a tree ever since we learned of the existence of gothsuptrees. But one of us was bound to slip up eventually. Fair is fair, though, and so up it goes.”
This goth has found himself a comfortable spot to tweet about how alone he is as the only individual at a party full of god-damned hipsters #treegoth #someoneturnoffthecrystalcastles #waitingfordeath #lostmyglove #nofilter
There are many elements of this photo that I like; it’s night time, our goth is not smiling, he’s in a fairy-light laden tree, he’s partaking in an alcoholic beverage, and he couldn’t be bothered to put down his bloody phone. I’m concerned about our goth’s height in the tree, so I’m going to deduct points for that (unless I receive proof that he is properly in the tree).
4.8 out of 5 - Another goth succumbing to the inevitable and tweeting about it
sinister-death submitted this photo with the comment “Taking photos in a park? Why not climb up some trees?”
This goth has asked the questions that every serious goth should ask themselves when they find themselves in a park. The other serious questions they should ask themselves are: ‘Why didn’t I wear a panne velvet cape today?’, ‘Do my blacks match?’ and ‘Is it too early to be drunk?’. The question I asked myself in a park today was “what possessed you to wear double black velvet to work?” (it’s like double denim but more goth). Anyone with half a goth-brain knows that a velvet dress worn with a velvet coat will cause dress/coat friction-based rising resulting in an arse-displaying costume malfunction which you only discover halfway to work after walking along a major road for 15 minutes.
This goth looks like someone who knows that double velvet should never be attempted. She’s a medium height up the tree, she’s not smiling and she has done the right thing by taking advantage of the low UV levels of winter daylight. She’s wearing a practical yet stylish cool-weather outfit with maximum layers. Bonus points for having at least 3 chains on her person.
4.85 out of 5 - Avoid double velvet at all costs